Gentle Sleep Training
It’s about the message
Gentle sleep training is just as effective as any other method. And for the more gentle parents, slow and steady usually works best. The more hands-on the technique, the longer it will take for your babies to learn to self-settle, but they will get there!
I don’t believe sleep training is about letting your baby cry themselves to sleep. I believe it’s about helping them develop self-settling skills and confidence, and foster independent sleep associations.
There are many settling methods, and the degree of parental support varies depending on the baby’s age and temperament, parenting style, family dynamics, and needs.
When it comes to self-settling sleep training, the basic concept is helping babies learn to settle to sleep on their own, knowing and trusting help is there if they need it.
The heart of self-settling is building up your baby’s confidence to find strategies to help themselves when you aren’t available. That’s a reality every child learns to adapt to sooner or later because we can’t always be there. Learning that sometimes we have to manage things on our own isn’t cruel, it’s just realistic, and ever more so for twins.
Gentle sleep training can imply more frequent check-ins on your babies if you choose to stay out of the room, moving from feed-to-sleep to settle in the cot, or stay in the room with them and gradually back off support.
Yet, when starting the process, I tell all twin parents that 100% No Tears isn’t realistic for settling twins unless 2 adults are always present during settling and re-settling.
I have yet to come across such a family…
But gentle methods are available fro twins, and can absolutely work,
My approach
Coming from a long history of twin childcare and having worked with the RIE philosophy for a while, I wholeheartedly believe that as adults, we shouldn’t stop babies and children from communicating their feelings and needs. And given babies’ means of communication is crying, our efforts shouldn't focus on stopping the crying, but rather on understanding what the baby is trying to communicate.
As Magda Gerber wisely said:
“Sadness, discomfort, frustration -
they are all valid human emotions.
Why would we want to suppress them?”
Babies are allowed to feel frustrated, upset, disappointed and sad when sleep training begins. That’s their way of responding to change. It’s natural and expected.
Their tears aren’t necessarily because they feel abandoned. That’s our own adult projection of feelings. They liked things the way they were, and now we are changing them and they have an opinion on the matter. It’s the same with any changes they face throughout their life. It’s not easy when things don’t go just the way we want.
The important point to remember is that sleep training is about helping babies learn something new, a new skill. And they need time and opportunities to practice. There’s no other way to learn anything.
Our job as we support babies in learning to self-settle is to remain responsive, patient, and consistent and transmit a message of trust in the baby’s competence to learn.
Stopping the tears can unintentionally send a message of: “you are helpless, you are dependent, you must have me by your side to fall asleep”. And that might be the opposite of what you wish your baby to feel. In fact, that feeds baby’s stress, which in turn feeds our own perception that they really do depend on us, and cannot do this on their own.
This message can stress them out even more, as they feel scared that they cannot do this alone.
When we trust children, they feel it and they learn to trust themselves. When we don’t, they learn no to trust themselves either.
Independent sleep associations
By helping babies develop independent sleep associations, they feel more confident letting go of adults’ support.
Dummy
Cuddly/lovey (from 7m according to Red Nose, Australia)
Swaddle/PJ
White noise
Dark room (preferably the same room every time)
Cot
Introduce a cuddly/lovey is super helpful. Give it to your baby during the day when they are upset, when they nurse/drink a bottle, and when they settle to sleep. Babies learn to associate the cuddly with comfort, and will eventually reach for it when they settle in bed.
Establish a predictable sleep ritual of reading bedtime stories, putting on PJs/sleeping bags, dark room, and singing a lullaby. The ritual helps babies prepare mentally and emotionally for sleep, and make the process smoother and easier, for you and for your babies.
White noise is very effective with newborns, and is great to use until baby is 1 year old.
The more predictable and consistent the sleep environment and sleep cues babies have, the more secure they feel to let go and let sleep come.
You can read more about sleep associations here.
when less is more
Motion sleep (buggy, carriers, car seat) becomes less restorative for babies over 6 months. Furthermore, tapping, rocking and bouncing becomes too stimulating and delay sleep onset. If your babies are over 6 months, less hands-on support can actually help your babies fall asleep faster.
This isn’t to say you can’t stay in the room with them. But rather to suggest using your presence and sometimes voice to help their settling process instead of full-on physical support. It will have better results than trying to rock your baby in your arms.
Not only is this a lot harder with twins, but also your babies will take longer and longer to settle, as they get more stimulated and less sleepy with this method.
Doing less can have a very calming effect on babies. If you are calm, they pick up on it. Sitting in the chair and simply project love, trust and patience will help your baby feel settled and calm too in the long run, and learn they can let go and settle to sleep.
I understand that for some parents, hearing your babies cry can be very uncomfortable. It is very natural and understandable.
My philosophy isn’t about toughening up and learning to ignore their crying.
It’s actually a lot deeper.
It’s about being with your baby when they struggle. It’s not about taking away the obstacle, but rather remain present with them, and letting them know that they are capable of persevering. This takes time and practice for adults too. Learning to stay with children when they are upset and not try to distract them or eliminate the problem can be very challenging.
Yet, it’s in these moments when we stay with them and go through the challenge together, that they learn how strong and resourceful they are, and just how much we believe in them.
That’s the core of gentle sleep training: be with your babies, gently and lovingly help them learn how to settle, without rushing it.
What works?
In-the-room or out-of-the-room methods… they both work. It depends on how your babies respond to your presences, and how comfortable you are with it. If you can’t remain consistent with the technique because it simply doesn’t suit your parenting style, then it ain’t gonna work, no matter how long you’ll try it.
The degree of your involvement changes between settling methods, but the message to the baby is the same: “I trust you can do this. I’m here if you need me”.
And that’s an empowering message to give children.
If your babies wake up too early in the morning, you can download my “5 Reasons for Early Morning Wake-ups” here to learn how to help them sleep better and longer and in the morning.
If you want to help your babies learn to self-settle, book a sleep package below. Or you can book a free 15-min discovery call to learn how my twin-focused sleep consultation can work best for you.