The Power of Our Words
When we talk to little ones…
Babies and children think grown-ups are gods, superheroes. We can do anything we want whenever we want. We are big, strong and capable. We get to tell them what to do, when and how. We also get to take things away from them when we deem it right: toys, freedom, TV, meals, play dates…
So how can we parent or care for them in a mindful manner? How can we make sure we communicate to these little beings what we want, and in such a way that they listen and (hopefully) respect us?
Eliminating the Negative; Accentuating the Positive
It’s scary how many negative words we sometimes use with our little people. If you can, try to count how many of these words you say in one day:
Bad
Can’t
Don’t
Enough
No
Shouldn’t
Stop
Won’t
Naughty
It takes 5 positive comments to balance 1 negative comment. It’s scary! Think about it for a moment. Five-to-one. Did you track your words today? How many times did you use negative words? How many positive remarks did you make? Here are ways to change this and how mindfulness can improve dialogues with our children.
Instead of telling the baby/child what they can’t do, we focus on what they can.
Examples:
Instead of “don’t forget to brush your teeth/ wash your hands”, try “remember to brush your teeth/ wash your hands”. Less negativity will yield better results.
The baby is throwing the spoon on the floor during meal time. Instead of, “Stop throwing the spoon”, “Don’t do that”, “I said enough!”, try, “The spoon is for feeding. you can throw the ball outside”, or “The spoon is staying on the table, you can throw the pillows on the sofa later”. My rule is 2 warnings, and the third time the item in discussion is removed. And I follow through. So the third time will be: “I see you are having trouble keeping the spoon on the table and in your hand, so I’m going to put it away. You can have it back at the next meal”.
This interaction isn’t negative. The baby eventually learns to anticipate what will happen next. There’s less crying and less wasted energy. I feel better myself for not using such negative language. You can apply this to anything.
The 2-year-old is throwing the ball inside the house. Instead of: “Don’t throw the ball”, “You can’t throw the ball; you’ll break something”, “I said stop it”, try: “You can throw the ball outside. Inside the house you can throw the pillow”, or “It looks like you’re really in a throwing mood. The problem is, something might break. You can throw your soft toy animal”. And, the third time: “I see it’s very hard for you to stop throwing the ball, so I’m going to put it aside. I’ll give it back when we go outside to play”. This way the toy isn’t confiscated with anger. The child learns there are logical reasons behind your decisions. The child isn’t left to think they are bad or naughty, plus you are offering alternatives for re-directing energy.
Try and respond calmly when you see your child in need of help, or if they misbehaves. Reacting with hysteria will cause the child fear and unnecessary stress.
Avoiding Vagaries and Name-Calling
When we use the terms, “Good boy”, “Good girl” or “Bad boy”, “Bad girl”, we practically tell the child/baby there are only two ways of being. We all know this isn’t true. Anyone can do something bad without being bad himself. Mistakes happen. So, here I want to introduce you to the concept of specific compliments. When the compliment we give the child is specific, it’s theirs and no one can take it away from them. It shows we really see them, what they did, and understood their efforts and intentions. You can read more about Specific Compliments and how to empower your child here.
Why Time-Out ins’t effective
Now, let’s talk about “time-out”. I don’t believe in “time-out” because it’s truly ineffective. Time-out does not achieve what parents believe it does.
I want you to think for a moment about yourself. Say you had a bad day; a very annoying and difficult day. You come home to your safe space, where you can let your guard down. Now, after holding yourself in check all day, it’s really hard for you to control your temper. A little disagreement can get way out of proportion and you lose it. You snap, yell; you are completely unreasonable. All you want to do is be in control of your emotions, and you can’t. You have so much frustration inside and it gets the better of you. You want to explain to your family member how tired you are, and don’t mean any of what you say.
Children feel forsaken during time-out.
Now imagine that at this moment of conflict, they tell you to go and sit alone in another room. They don’t want to hear you or even be near you. They don’t care how you feel. How do you think that feels? I would feel awful. I’d feel misunderstood, rejected, unloved and then exiled. What I want is a hug. I want someone to hold me and take these bad feelings away. I want help. I don’t want to fester in this situation alone.
This is what time-out feels like to children. They feel rejected and deserted. They feel forsaken and very alone.
I’m not saying you need to endure your child’s rage, throwing things or violent outbursts. I do say, don’t leave them alone right now. They are falling apart and they need you to contain them; to show them you can help them. Because they can’t help themselves. You are their safe haven. We want to communicate to them we love them no matter what; when they behave well and when they can’t handle their emotions. We are not loving them only when they are “good”. We don’t want them near us only when they are happy. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship under those conditions. Who would?
Choosing our Words Wisely
So what can we do? The key here is the message you want to send the child. The message is: “I love you, I’m here, I accept all your feelings. I can’t accept this kind of behaviour”. When your toddler/ child is out of control, you are still with them. You hug them if they want to be held, you let them cry as much as needed, you let them talk and you listen. You don’t need to fix anything yet. Right now it’s about settling down and defusing the anger they are struggling with. If they need to let some aggression out, give them a pillow to punch or yell into. Give them a piece of paper and crayon and ask them to show you how angry they are on the paper. These methods work and they help the child. It shows your little person your love is unconditional.
Let them talk and simply listen. You don’t need to fix anything yet.
Emotions last 90 seconds. This is true for us grown-ups too. That’s not to say that after 90 seconds you won’t be angry or sad anymore. Another emotion may visit. In their wonderful book No-Drama Discipline, Daniel L. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. called it “riding the waves of emotions”. Babies and toddlers can’t grasp this. For them, nothing is temporary; it’s here and now and forever. Imagine how scary it is for your little one when they are having a tantrum to believe these intense feelings are never going to pass? If your child is old enough, you can try to explain how these horrible feelings won’t last forever. Let them know you are here to “ride the storm” with them. Staying with an upset baby or child during times when they are overwhelmed creates an incredible bond. You communicate to them you are accepting them no matter how they feel, even if their behaviour is “bad”. After the “storm”, it’s time to talk about what happened. Review it step-by-step and explain to them how they hurt you or someone else. Explain it’s important to tidy up the mess they created downstairs (You can offer to help), or it’s time to apologise.
“There is no love without forgiveness,
and there is no forgiveness without love.”
The beauty of this is that it works both ways: Next time you lose your temper and talk to your child in a manner you wish you hadn’t, ask them for a hug and apologise. Children learn from us. If they feel we make no mistakes and we are perfect, they are then under the impression they need to be like that too. That puts a lot of pressure on them and can lead to insecurity and harsh self-judgments. When a grown-up offers an apology, not only do they demonstrate to their youngster they are not perfect either (“Here, look; I make mistakes too.”), but it teaches them what to do when they make mistakes. You apologise, you explain yourself, and then the other person forgives you.