The power within

We, the adults, possess a very powerful source of knowledge for children. We know more about almost everything in their lives: how to do things, how to solve problems, where to get help, and what help to get. Yet children possess a lot of wisdom too, they are simply learning to access it. Therefore, instead of merely help them when they struggle, we can guide them to find the key to their own vault of resources and knowledge.

Empowering support

**Verbally and physically guide them, so they will learn how to do it on their own.**

When a child/baby/toddler asks for our help, or shows signs of struggles with a task, there are two approaches we can take: we can solve the problem, or we can show them how to do it themselves. The former will fix the problem, whereas the latter will empower them. It teaches them how to fix the problem themselves, and facilitates their learning. Empowerment is a wonderful way to show a child how capable and resourceful they actually are, before they are aware of it themselves.

An Example: The little one is stuck under a chair. We think they are helpless and want you to get them out. This is an opportunity to show them they are capable of helping themselves, and increase their confidence and sense of self-worth. It teaches them and gives them tools to be independent. A child that is guided to solve their problems on their own won’t feel intimidated when encountering obstacles, nor feel hopeless and stuck when problems arise.

Staying calm is key in these situations. It demonstrates your trust in them. If the child senses you are not worried, they will calm down too. They have no means of estimating how problematic a situation really is until you verify it. Approach them as calmly as possible and describe what you see, what you think:

“I see you are stuck under the chair, if you push your leg to the side you will have a way out”. You can help them move their leg the right way. If they are very young, more physical guidance might be needed.
“I see it’s hard for you keeping your cereal bowl in place while eating, try using your other hand to hold it in place”. You can show them where to place their hand. This kind of help empowers the child, shows them ways to use their body and mind, and places responsibility, and therefore - success, within them.

It’s not always easy

When a child is trying to do something and comes for help, it’s important to choose our words carefully. Saying “Oh that’s easy! You just do ‘this and that’ and it’s out!” may make them feel small, embarrassed, incapable of doing something ‘so easy’. If they succeed, they won’t feel so good about it, as it was ‘easy’. If they won’t, they’ll feel even worse, as they failed to do something you deemed easy. When a child is asking for help, it’s not for us to evaluate the situation as easy or hard. We don’t want the child to feel embarrassed for asking for help. When you put in action empowering together with encouraging words, it will look like this:

**Telling them “it can be hard” will encourage them to try again.**

Your child needs help tying her laces up. You: “Sometimes it can be hard tying your shoe laces, why won’t you try again?”. You will be surprised what the little faith you give them can do. Children are more likely to try harder when they know the task isn’t easy. The struggle makes sense to them. Then if they tie their shoes up, they feel great as it wasn’t easy. If they still need help, they won’t feel so bad for getting assistance.

Your toddler is trying to climb down the ladder. They are asking for help, they are scared. Instead of rushing up the ladder and grabbing them, try direct them, show them you trust them and believe they are capable. “It can be scary going down the ladder. It’s not so easy. Let’s see how you can climb down safely. I’m here with you the whole time”. Then, depends on their age and verbal skills, you explain to them what to do, or physically direct their legs and arms, so they can feel your support and use their muscles themselves. This way they will learn how to do it next time (or repeat this exercise a few times till they feel confident), and will feel great for trying something difficult.

when it comes naturally, it can be empowered

In the notion of RIE, let your child discover and develop at their own natural pace. This way they acquire the resources and capabilities to do everything they need to- on their own. Encouragement and moral support are always welcome!

Avoid placing your child in a situation/position they don’t know how to, nor capable of, getting into themselves. If your child climbed up a rock, it’s important and reasonable to help them climb down on their own. The body teaches the mind, and needs practice to learn how to get out of tricky situations.

However, this won’t work if the child didn’t climb up on their own, but was “placed” there. Children won’t know how to get out of physically challenging situations, nor are they capable of it, if they didn’t get there naturally. It is very scary for them, and they physically can’t help themselves. It effectively places them in a situation in which they completely rely on others’ for their own mobility. If your child asks to be placed somewhere they cannot reach on their own, avoid complying with them. Explain to them they can do so when they are older.

A baby will collapse and bang their head on the ground if they are propped up before they learn how to sit on their own. Their body simply cannot support their them properly at this position yet. They need time to exercise their muscles, learn the proper moves and get stronger to move in and out of a sitting position. Placing children in positions or circumstances they can’t reach alone, interferes with their natural learning process.

“All children accomplish milestones
in their own way, in their own time”

— Magda Gerber

Specific compliments

A specific compliment lets your child know you see her, and reflects to her what is it she did, achieved, and is worthy of praising. A specific complement highlights the child’s abilities, qualities, and values. It’s a method where you can boost a child’s self-esteem through meaningful observations.

When your little one sat up for the first time, something like “good girl! well done!” isn’t specific - is it? Whereas something like “you sat up! You tried so hard and you pushed yourself up all by yourself!”- is specific. “Good girl” is indeed a positive statement, however, it can be easily erased. It’s empty of content and merit.

Your toddler is building a tower with his building blocks. Saying “well done! you did it” isn’t personal, and does not reflect his achievement. Saying “I saw you put so much thought and energy into this tower- you collected all the blocks, you tried stacking them in many ways, you balanced the blocks and it was really hard! You should be so proud of yourself!”- tells the child you truly see him. You telling him off next time he messes up won’t take this compliment away from him. If you were to tell him “good boy” for building the tower, and then “bad boy” for spilling the water during dinner- they cancel each other out

Specific compliments allow the child to see what is she doing that is worthy of your admiration, what exactly did she achieve. While “good girl” only tells her you are pleased with her right now. It does not build confidence nor encourage creativity and perseverance. When the child understands - through your compliment - what is so wonderful about her, she feels empowered, she feels proud. Not because you think she’s good, but because she, as a person, is worthy. You can find shorter versions of these compliments that feel natural for you. The main idea is to describe her efforts and accomplishments, and show her you are paying attention.

Pride

A very common thing adults say to their children when they are impressed by them is “I’m so proud of you!”. This wonderful intention to show a child we are impressed with him, actually takes away his efforts and achievements, and places it on our expectations and demands of him. If a child did something wonderful, he should be proud of himself. He shouldn’t be concerned how we feel about it, or how we will deem it. It’s his achievement. When a child does well in school, helps and friend in need, tackles a difficult problem, overcomes his fear- all the pride he feels is his. He shouldn’t feel for a moment he did any of these for us, to please us. He should do wonderful things because he wants to, because he cares about his actions, not to please us. Not so we will be proud and validate him. There should be separation between what he feels about himself at these moments, and what we feel. We can be proud of him, but when you think of it- it’s not really our place. We shouldn’t take credit for what he does or accomplishes.

Telling your child: “Wow!! That’s wonderful! You managed to ride the horse all around the ring! You were so scared, and you didn’t give up! You can/should be so proud of yourself!”, gives him all the credit for his accomplishment. Telling him WE are proud of him for overcoming his fear, makes it our place to deem his achievement worthy or not. And it’s really not up to us to tell him that. Telling him: “Wow, I’m really impressed with your riding!”, or: “That was so impressive!” conveys all our awe and admiration to the child, without taking credit or evaluating his achievement.

Empowerment And Compliments