Authentic Children

Just the way they are

The RIE approach shows us how to appreciate and truly see children for who they are. There are many little things that we can do that can make a very big difference in children’s lives. Some of it is so simple; it never occurred to us.

Uninterrupted play

When a baby is occupied with a toy, they aren’t just playing. They are learning. They are studying the object’s texture, taste, weight, size, sound and colour. They are learning to make sense of the world around them. When we want to do something with the baby, like feed them, we can wait until the baby is finished with their studies. It doesn’t take much to notice when they are occupied, and when they are done for the moment with this object: the baby will put it aside, will crawl to another toy, or when they are very little, it will be visible with their look. They might notice you are watching them and make eye contact, anticipating your move, inviting you to enter their space. There’s a lot of respect and validation in this. You are giving the baby the time they needs to finish their important job - learning - before you are asking them to engage in another activity.

The same goes for changing a nappy. We can allow the baby/toddler to finish what they are doing, rather than demanding them to stop their activity. Unless it’s a real disaster of a nappy, surly it can wait a little bit. You can also give them the appropriate notice: “When you are finished with this toy, I would like to change your nappy”. If they are old enough to walk, you can give them the choice of changing while standing up, or laying down.

If your little one is upset, let him be upset

validating feelings

Another important aspect of allowing children to be who they are, is validating their feelings and emotions. This may feel counter-intuitive at the beginning. Once you are getting used to it; it makes a lot of sense. Say your little one fell. They cry. They got scared from the fall, they might be hurt. Shushing them, saying “nothing happened, you are alright” is our way of making them stop crying. We don’t want them to be upset. We want them to go back to being happy. We are trying to spare them from feeling bad. Yet it sends a very confusing message to the child. After all, something did happen. They are upset. They are hurt. When we ask them to disregard what happened, we are invalidating their feelings. We are asking them to reconstruct the connections between how they feel, and what happened. No one has the right telling someone they don’t feel they way they do.

When we validate the child’s feelings, we help her understand how she feels.

When I’m upset, I want to be acknowledged. I have the right to be upset. If I got hurt, I wouldn’t appreciate someone telling me it didn’t happen; it wasn’t serious. I’m hurting, for me this is serious. If your little one is upset, let them be upset. Hold them, pat them, go through what happened with them: “I saw you fell. This must be very unpleasant. Are you hurt? Oh wow, I can see you have a bruise on your arm. This is really upsetting, it must have been scary, do you want a hug?”.

And then the magic happens. When we validate the child’s feelings, talk with them about the event, we help them make sense of it, understand how they feel. Over time, the connection of ‘I’m sad, a hug made me feel better’ will build in the child’s brain. They will learn what helps them and what they need when they feel a certain way. We give them tools to later deal with this situations on their own. We give them sympathy and love, and show them they can count on us to be there for them when they are down, injured, upset. We teach them the power of impermanence: this hurts now; it will get better.

If a child is left to deal with this alone, and the message is: “don't worry about it; your feelings will pass”, they will find it very difficult to access these feelings later on, let alone understand them. They might be emotionally impaired. As I wrote in other posts, children who can’t identify their feelings struggle to handle bigger challenges later on, struggle asking for help and struggle help themselves as adults. If I don't know how it feels for me to be angry, I will feel overwhelmed and helpless when anger comes along. I might even get scared of how I feel. I wouldn’t know how to comfort myself. I wouldn’t have the tools to get better and help myself. By being there for our children and validate their feelings, we teach them how to endure hard times, be brave, accept and understand their feelings. The crying won’t last as long as we fear. They will become stronger and more resourceful.

A good way to implement this is by allowing the child to endure their feelings on their own pace. You are leaving for work, and daddy/Nanna/nanny is staying to mind the child. You might think that leaving without saying goodbye will spare your child the morning’s tears. However, saying goodbye is the respectful and natural way of leaving. The child is allowed to be upset over this. If they are, it’s their right to process this event in the way and pace they need. So after the kisses and wishes for a wonderful day, you explain the child you are leaving for work, they are staying here with daddy/Nanna/nanny, and you would be back later. Then you leave. If the child is upset, their care giver should support and comfort them, and allow them to process this sad separation. This will give them the tools to access and process how they feel. Later, they can draw upon this experience at the right times. If you leave and avoid saying goodbye, you are depriving your child from understanding where you are and from exercising this important drill. If when they cry over your leaving someone distracts them with a toy in the hopes they’ll “forget about it”, they won’t get the chance to deal with this unpleasant feeling and learn to identify it.

When you are taking the child to the doctor, tell them about it. Tell them as specifically as possible what they should expect: “we will get in the car. We will drive a little bit, you can play with your toy train in your seat. We will get to the clinic. We might need to wait a little bit. Then the doctor will come, and we will get into another room. She will ask you how you are, and will then check your heart and lungs. She will place the stethoscope under your shirt - this might feel cold. Then she will clean your arm - this will feel wet. While you sit in my lap, she will give you a shot with a syringe and needle. You will feel a little pinprick - It might hurt. I will hug you and be with you the whole time. Then she will give you a sticker. After the doctor’s we will go to the park and play.” You can imitate some of this at home: how you will hold them, what will the doctor do. If you have a toy syringe this will be perfect.

I know this sounds like a lot of information. You can add or edit this to the appropriate age. The important thing is: be honest, prepare the child. I do this all the time with the babies I care for, for everything we did during the day. It includes the child in the day’s planning, and as they grow they can start anticipating natural processes: today is Monday, we are going to the library. Today is Thursday, we are going to Messy Play. After lunch it’s nap time. After dinner it’s bath time.

social awareness - inner compass

When it comes to assisting the child during conflicts, a respectful and trusting approach as RIE will empower the child and let them solve the problems, with gentle guidance from the adults. You can help from your seat or crouching by their side by narrating the situation and help guide your child to observe it the way you do, so they can reach the appropriate conclusions. Another toddler snatched the toy from their hand. Your child is upset, and looks at you for help. You can take a moment here before you engage. See if your child might figure something out on their own. If they still show they want your help, “I can see you are very upset. Ron took your toy. You were not done with it. This is very unpleasant”. And observe. This might be enough for them to deal with the situation alone. If needed later, you can add, “You can ask him to return it. If you want, there are other toys around, or you can wait for him to finish”. Your child might consider this. They will hear your sympathy, and will feel your support. This isn’t fair, yet there are many ways for the child to solve this on their own. For a reverse situation you can say: ”I can see Ron is very upset. You took his toy and he wasn’t finished with it”. Your child can then decide whether they want to return the toy or not. It’s not for us to decide who gets the toy. Toddlers and infants can resolve this on their own. The important thing is to help them understand the situation. Show them you trust them, their capability to think and figure things out for themselves. When needed, show them their options, and make them aware of the feelings they or their friends feel. Once they master this, they will be capable of acting on their own accord, based on what they know.

They might be the ones doing the toy-snatching. We need to show them how their peers react to this. How that makes them feel. They might be receiving some bullying. It’s on us to narrate the situation, show them how they can defend themselves, where else can they play in peace. They don’t need us to jump in and solve their problems. We should show them they are okay and can handle this. An empowering approach gives the child the sense they are capable, independent, resourceful. Children who depend on the adults around them to solve their problems tend to grow into clingy children. They simply don’t know how to manage these situations alone, and look for a referee to rule for them. If we teach the child what to do when another person is upset, scared or angry, they don’t need us to help.

Authentic children offer authentic support

A very personal experience I had with such authentic children happened to me when my father passed away. I was not living in the same country at the time. I was in the park with the 2 year old twins I cared for when my mother called to tell me the bad news. I cried and knelt down to talk to them: “We are going home early today. We will go back to the car now, and go home. I will give you lunch, and then mummy will come back and spend the afternoon with you. I will go to my home.” They both stared at me, and the boy, looking observantly said “Smadar is sad”. I said “yes, I am”. They both gave me big loving hugs. I will never forget how these little people consoled me and knew what I needed. They read the situation, looked in their tool box, and found the right tool for the job. I felt understood, supported and loved.

When she gets older she will fix this on her own.

guidance rather than telling-off

When the child messes up, showing them how to fix it is more important than being angry with them. If they spilled their food on the floor, “I see the food spilled, this happens. Lets take a mop and clean up”, then go together to get the appropriate cleaning tools. If they drew on the wall, “the markers are for drawing on the paper. Be careful next time. Lets take a cloth and wipe it off”. The “telling off” part should focus on what is allowed plus what you are expecting of them. Show them how to fix the situation, without making them feel guilty. If the child is too scared of the rage and anger they will face if they messed up, they won’t feel comfortable and confident admitting to their mistakes. Our message should focus on how can this be avoided next time and how can we fix this. When they get older they will fix this on their own. They already feel bad for their mistake. We want them to know what to do about it; to have the resources. This way we show them we trust them. They will grow to know they are capable of solving their problems, and fix their mistakes.

An authentic child whose feelings are appropriately addressed and validated knows how they feel and behaves the way they feel. They are confident they will be included in the decisions and events that impact their lives. They will also learn how to endure rough times. They will be independent and resourceful; someone who helps themselves and others around them. They are confident and true to themselves.