Fights and Arguments
defusing the tension
Let’s put the cards on the table: Your children will fight you and disagree with you no matter how you parent them. It’s part of their job as growing human beings. This is how they get their independence, discover their identity, gain confidence and autonomy. If your child fights with you, they feel safe and secure with your love. It’s when they don’t defy you and never talk back that you should look a bit deeper into what’s going on. A confident, well-loved child will push the boundaries and test your limits. So how can we as adults endure this in a kind and mindful way?
Teaching Yourself and Your Child: Talking and Listening
What I want to share with you is a different way of talking to little ones; a new language. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, explains how when you learn a new language you will always have an accent. But growing up with the language ensures your children will be fluent.
It takes up to 21 days to acquire a new habit, or rather get rid of one. so patience, we’ll get there!
Bear this in mind- babies and children have 3 ways to exercise control in their lives: what they put in their mouths, what they take out of their bodies and what they say. Try to pay attention when certain arguments arise: What time of the day do they occur? This can help determine a good plan of action. Maybe it’s better to do certain things earlier in the day or afternoon, than in the evening. Before rather than after dinner. Are we asking too much of them?
A good way to get your child to listen is to convert the word “NO” to “YES”. When you hear: “Mummy, can I watch TV?” your: “No, you need to do your homework” could become “Yes, after you finish your homework”. This achieves the same goal without the negativity. Your child will still be unhappy about it, but they hear “Yes” instead of “No”, and in the long run it makes a difference. You sound a lot more agreeable.
Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., give us a useful tool: giving-in fantasy to supplement real-life situations. Lets say you are out of ice cream. Your 4-year-old asks: “Daddy, I want ice cream please”. When you say, “I’m sorry there isn’t any ice cream”, that’s fine, but when it’s followed by tears and wailing, try, “I wish I could give you ice cream sweetie, I’m sorry we are out. If I could get you some, what flavour would you want? How many scoops? Will you drizzle syrup on top? What about sprinkles? Will you share with me”? When you engage in this kind of conversation with a child who is upset about not getting something, you are showing them you feel their pain. That way, the interaction isn’t over because they want something you can’t give. Giving-in fantasy means they are not left upset when you can’t fulfill their wishes because you validate their feelings and show them you care about their disappointment. Children appreciate this, and may engage in beautiful conversations about something they know they won’t get, but can still imagine.
No ‘Buts’ About It
Replace the word “BUT”. Children tune BUT out very early on. Your 3- year-old wants their brother’s toy. You saying, “I know you want the toy BUT your brother is playing with it” doesn’t get through to them. The word “BUT” effectively erases everything that came before it. The same goes for apologies. An apology with a “BUT” isn’t working. Try replace “BUT” with “the problem is”. “I know you really want the toy; the problem is, Danny is still playing with it. He will give it to you when he’s finished”. This kind of an answer gives the child a logical explanation why they can’t have what they want. They can make sense of it. It’s not because “I said so” or, “You can’t”, which are empty of content. “I know you want to wear the red shirt today; the problem is, it’s dirty”. “I know you want to go play in the park. The problem is, it’s raining”.
Heads Up
Give notice. When you know you are about to interrupt your child with anything, give them a heads-up. It makes a very big difference. Tell them “In 10 minutes, dinner will be ready”, “After this show, it’s time to go to the supermarket”, “One more story, and then it’s time for bed”. You can avoid a lot of conflicts and tantrums when you give notice. It allows them time to come to terms with the situation: Prepare to finish what they are doing, wind down, end their task or mentally separate from a friend, toy, show, place. If possible, extend the notice: “We are going to read 3 stories, and then it’s time to turn off the lights”. After the 2nd story, again: “One more, and then it’s bedtime”. Talking with your children in a respectful and levelled manner makes sense to them and there’s less to fight over. If they still throw a tantrum over bedtime after these warnings, you don’t need to fight over much. You stick to your “script”. “I know you don’t want to go to sleep, this was fun. We read 3 stories and now it’s time for bed. We’ll read again tomorrow”. When you are consistent with your methods, the arguing will subside significantly. The child will still protest at times, but it’s normal. You just need to stick to the plan. Practice the language.
If we see our child struggles with a specific issue over and over, such as: sharing, be on time, listening, finishing a task; this can be useful for us to learn they need more practice in this venue. Avoid getting frustrated: “Why is it so hard for Lisa to share”? Use this as an opportunity to pay more attention and help Lisa. Mindfully engage her in situations where she can practice sharing.
“Eye-levelled” kind of conversation allows the child to observe the situation and do better next time
Unacceptable Behaviour
When an argument is getting heated and the child is getting very upset, (yells, screams, hurts themselves or someone else, throws things about), your message should be very clear: “I accept your emotions; I can’t accept this behaviour.” This separates the child’s emotions from their actions. They know you still love them no matter what, and it’s very important. Here’s how it sounds: Instead of using the popular, “Don’t hit your brother”, “Stop throwing the books”, “Stop biting me”, you can say, “I see you are very angry. Your brother took your truck and you want it back. I can’t let you hit him; hitting hurts”. “I know you are disappointed we can’t go to the movies. I can’t let you throw the books on the floor, they’ll get damaged. Here’s a pillow you can throw”. The template of “I can see/ I know/ I hear you are…I can’t let you” is sending the child the clear message they are understood and acknowledged, while setting a very firm boundary of what they can and can’t do when they feel like this.
Repeating Problem
When you encounter a repeating problem with your child, here’s a good exercise you could try out. Your child is upset over shower time. You sit with them when they are calm and receptive and tell them, “I feel there’s a problem with shower time. I want to solve this because it’s making both of us unhappy. I know you don’t like showering, yet it needs to happen. We need a plan.” Then, with a pen and paper you both write down ideas for solutions together. You both pitch ideas and you write down everything, no matter how silly. When there is nothing left to write, you revisit each idea and choose the ones both of you like. They proposed, “I will shower every other day”. You don’t like this. “This doesn’t work; you are playing and running a lot during the day, and you are getting very dirty”. You proposed, “You will shower before dinner. That way you are not too tired”. They says, “No, because that’s when my favourite show is on”. You suggest, “maybe we’ll shower together on Tuesdays?”, and they really like it. This will go back and forth, until you agree on some ideas that are acceptable on both of you.
This beautiful exercise, developed by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D, and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., is showing the child they are heard, valued, included, has ideas to contribute. They get to practice taking responsibility and negotiating. Next shower time, you both have a plan and they are more likely to honour it since they were included in the decision-making process.
Children Learn What They See… And Hear
If you and your partner fight in front of the children, it’s important to make up in front of them too. This demonstrates to them how to solve arguments, apologise, and gives them closure. If mummy and daddy are fighting tonight, and tomorrow morning all is well, they don’t understand the natural ending of the event. It can leave them resentful towards one or both parties because they are unaware the fight is over.
Children Also Learn What They Live
Another good way to eliminate friction between you and your child is by passing some of the responsibilities to them. Say you are planning a ride in the car, and your child is coming with you. You say, “We are leaving in 30 minutes”. They say “Okay”. Then, 20 minutes later you come by and ask them if they remember what you agreed upon. They say, “Yes”, or if not, you remind them. Then you say, “Ok, then I expect you by the door in 10 minutes”. This shows them you trust them and think they are responsible. You don’t need to nag them again and again with, “I said we are going, come on”! Another way would be to call out, “Dinner is ready in 10 minutes”. They are not answering. You again: “Did you hear me?”, they says, “Yes I did”. You respond, “Good, then I will see you down here in 10”. When you confirm with the child they heard you and what that means, you are more likely to encounter a receptive child when it’s time to act. You are putting the responsibility to perform onto them. If they don’t act on this agreement, you can then follow with, “I asked you to meet me by the door, you said you heard me. I don’t like repeating myself. Next time please be on time”. It doesn’t have to escalate to yelling and confiscating items. This “eye-levelled” kind of conversation allows the child to observe the situation and do better next time. It takes practice. Remember, the more you allow your child to engage in this process, the better they’ll get. You want to encourage them to be responsible, not tell them off when they fail. The idea is, if you show them you trust them and believe in their abilities, they appreciate it more than yelling. They are more likely to respond positively.
There has to be correlation between the problem and your action
This goes for consequences as well. I don’t use the word “punishment.” I feel it is not an efficient way to teach a child to do better and learn from her mistakes. If a child misbehaves or isn’t carful, I feel a mindful way to teach them would be to have their participate in the result. Having a logical follow-up works. If they mess up the living room and won’t tidy up, they don’t get to play in the living room next time they want to. They don’t wear their protecting gear when they ride the bike; they don’t get to ride them for a week. They don’t turn off the TV at the time you agreed upon; they don’t get to watch their show next time. Sending a child to their room or confiscating their toys might hurt them, and you think they have learned their lesson… They didn’t. They are just going to get better at not getting caught next time. There has to be correlation between the problem and your action. Simply exercise your authority over their freedom, stuff or rights isn’t sending the message they needs to learn to do better. And that is the whole point.
How to Express Disappointment
How do we acknowledge a child’s disappointment with our decisions or with the family’s decisions and still make them feel heard? The family is planning an outing: Going to the park. Steve, a 5-year-old, isn’t into it. He wants to go to the skating rink. We can, for example, take a vote: “Who wants to go to the park”? Three out of 4 people. “Who wants to go to the skating rink?” Only Steve. You are the adult who wants to teach your child how life can be unfair sometimes, and you can’t always get your wish. You can say, “We are going to the park; this is what most people here want. However, I want you to know that Steve isn’t happy about this. I hope next time we can all do something Steve wants, too”. This kind of acknowledgement doesn’t change the situation: Steve still must go somewhere he doesn’t want to. It does, however, validate his feelings and make him feel he counts.
Remember: The reason our children fight us isn’t maliciousness. This is a way to identify themselves and understand who they are and how they want to experience the world. We can understand they need help finding their autonomy. Our fights with them shouldn’t focus on who wins or loses, but rather on the topic or situation we are arguing about. You want to focus on how this child can learn something from you and the situation. If they believe their opinions don’t matter and we have the last word over everything, it sends a backward message.
We want to teach them to be kind, fair, generous, loving, independent and good people. With this in mind, we should make our interactions with them – the tough ones, too – educational.