We are all human beings

When I try to explain the concept of being respectful to babies, people usually don’t understand what that means, or the necessity.

I like referring to babies as “little persons”. They are like you and me; just smaller. There are things they can’t yet do on their own and need our help. How would you treat a full-size person in this situation? Would you pick them up without letting them know? Would you wipe their nose from behind as fast as you can so they can’t understand what’s happening and protest? Would you dress up an adult without interacting with them ? Change their nappy while they are occupied with a toy or book? Would you feed them without interacting with them and wash their body while preoccupied on the phone? Would you talk to another adult in a sweet and cute manner all the time? I’d like to imagine the answers to these questions are no. It makes sense they would be no. So why do we do this with babies?

Babies are cute, and adorable. Their clothes are funny sometimes. We usually can’t look at them without that pull in our hearts to hug and cuddle them. They really are sweet! This causes a problem: We treat them without the respect they deserve and can’t ask for. In order to get our children to integrate into our world in a healthy and natural way, we need to treat them as the equal beings they are.

I didn’t always see the situation like this. I still smile uncontrollably when I see a baby. My tone goes softer and I’m a lot slower with my movements. But what I’ve learned from the RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) approach is that I need to be more mindful about the way I treat babies.

I believed I was a good caregiver before I learned about the RIE philosophy. I know I loved the babies and children I cared for. I know I had a lot to share with them, good ways to educate them and set boundaries in a healthy way. What I lacked was the crucial way of interacting with little persons.

So, how would it work in practice?

Before I touch a baby, I ask for their permission. Even if this sounds really “out there”, it’s not because I expect a response. Responses will come with time. It’s to remind myself I’m touching someone else’s body.

Before I pick a baby up, I let them know. I ask if it’s ok, and wait for a response. Babies understand a lot more than they can communicate. Eventually, once they develop motor skills, they will let you know: they will raise their arms for you to pick them up, or they will turn away. They will signal with their eyes. In this case you can invite them to come to the table/car or wherever you are going, on their own (as long as it’s safe and possible). Sometimes just a little way on their own is good enough to let them feel empowered and respected.

**When they are capable, I offer them the chance to do it themselves**

Before I wipe a baby’s nose, I let them know. I tell them they’ve got a runny nose and it needs wiping. I mean it when I say I never had a problem wiping a nose! No shoving my hand away, no turning their faces so I can’t reach. The baby will stay where they are and stop what they are doing so I can wipe their nose. Later on as they are more capable, I offer them the chance to do it themselves. You can see the pride they take in being able to do things on their own

***Sometimes doing a little bit on their own is enough to let them feel empowered and respected.***

Before I am changing a baby’s nappy/diaper, I give them notice. Such as, “Once you are finished playing with the toy, I’d like to come change your nappy; it’s full”. This doesn’t mean they will be happy about it every time. It does mean they are aware of what’s going on. It gives them time to prepare themselves, and also makes them more aware of their nappy situation. They can later anticipate this and feel a lot better about the natural progression of the situation. If they can walk or crawl, I ask them to come to where we change the nappies. I am consistent with where I change the nappies. It helps organise the house and helps the baby be more present in the procedure. I also tell them everything I do, and ask them to participate as they wish:

“I’m going to take your pants off and open your onesie”.

“I’m going to open your nappy”,

“I will lift your legs up”/ “can you lift your legs up please?”.

“I am going to wipe your bottom – this may be a bit cold”.

“I’m going to put cream on your bottom”

“Now I will put a new nappy on. Can you hear the rustling? Can you lift your legs up again?”

…and so on. I invite the baby to be a part of this process. They often like handing the wipes or nappy to me.

Why would I do this? It sounds tedious… It really isn’t. It becomes second nature once you get into narrating to the infant. This includes the baby in a very intimate interaction. I feel it’s important they’ll be present, included, be in touch with their body and environment.

The best example for this is the one I read in the book that introduced me to the RIE approach, Elevating Childcare, by Janet Lansbury: Imagine you are going to your gynecologist. Would you want to spend this time being distracted from the procedure, reading a book or playing on your phone? I know I wouldn’t. I want to know what’s happening and what is being done. I want to be present.

When babies learn to be present in this way, they are more likely to cooperate. They feel valued and later on it helps them understand how they feel. This might sound trivial but it really isn’t. Children who are not in tuned to how they feel and what they are going through, struggle communicate that to the grown ups around them- therefore struggle asking for help. It can later on lead to difficulties dealing with life’s bigger challenges… “How do I feel? Am I hurt? Upset? Angry? Disappointed? Why is this so hard for me to deal with? What’s wrong with me?”. When we are out of touch with our own feelings, it can be hard and feel very lonely riding the emotional turmoils of life. It might sound far fetched right now. But it starts in the little things we can avoid when we are small, such as learn to be present during uncomfortable times. You can read more about how to help children deal with difficult feelings and emotional here.

**Respect the baby’s learning process and intelligence**

Respecting a baby and a child means to talk to them in the same manner you would talk to your spouse, parent or friend. I am avoiding asking a baby/toddler questions I know they know the answers to. Instead of “where’s your nose?” I will ask “Do you want to show me your nose?”. Instead of “how does a dog bark?” I’ll ask “Do you remember how a dog barks?”. This way I prevent the baby from performing. This is easy to do and makes a big difference. The baby doesn’t understand the question per-say, they are trying to find the right answer for you. What do you want to hear? What will make you happy? Babies and children who are encouraged to perform tend to rely on this kind of attention and validation. They are denied knowing they are capable of thinking and deciding for themselves. When we are asking questions in this way, we respect the baby’s learning process and intelligence. We know they can find their nose, they already showed it to us, now they choose if and when they care to show us again. This doesn't need to be rewarded. It becomes a natural interaction we are having with another human being.

If as an adult, every time I clapped my hands on demand I would be praised and showered with cheers and applause, I would feel silly, demeaned and question my ability to be valued for more worthy things. I won’t clap because I want to, I’d do it to please someone else. If instead I would be asked whether I can show someone how wonderful my hand clapping is- I might feel different about it. I won’t feel I need to do something in order to receive praise and attention. I’d have the choice. I’d think for myself. Can you see the difference?

How to Respect a Baby

We are all human beings