When twins don't get along
Helping twins becom Better Friends
Do you feel like your twins can’t play nicely together for more than a few moments? That most of their interactions lead to arguing over a toy, a spot (chair or sofa), a cup or anything at all? Do they revert to physical aggression to solve their problems? Yelling, whining and tears?
Well, it’s worth taking a closer look at what is happening between them when they aren’t fighting, before anything flares up. What is the nature of their twinship? And how is the family's dynamic impact on these behaviours?
Needless to say, children copy what they see. So if other people are being physically aggressive with them (i.e. snatching, hitting, pushing, yelling etc.. ) then they will ultimately do the same. It’s on us to model appropriate behaviour if we want to see it in our children.
And then there’s the twin aspects to consider…
I have found that when twins have opportunities to get time apart from one another, when they have things of their own, and when they know how to problem-solve without adult's interference - they have better interactions with each other.
So let’s break this down:
Time apart for twins:
While it’s indeed easier to have the twins on a similar schedule and do things together throughout the day, it’s also important to note that time apart is gold.
Yes, they are the same age and might be into similar things. Yet having time to be apart helps the twins feel autonomy over their personal space, decisions and desires. When they are constantly together it can be rather hard for them to experience what it’s like NOT having someone with them all the time. What it’s like to choose what they want to do and act on it without having to consider whether their twin wants to do it too. Or alternatively having their twin wanting to have a turn RIGHT NOW, which can be quite upsetting.
Having time apart from one another will give them the chance to miss each other. And like any of us knows, we need to be apart to enjoy those moments when we are together. We can then be more tolerant and patient.
It can give them the time to start something and finish it, without being interrupted, having to consider someone’ feelings and hear them in the background. It can as importantly make them feel it’s alright to be on your own. That they don't NEED to have their twin with them to feel safe and comfortable.
Time apart can be in a different area in the house, visiting their cousin on their own, going to Nana's house, and also… one-on-one with their parents.
Now that is particularly invaluable.
Since twins often have to share their parents' attention, it’s utmost important to try and find opportunities, and they can be very short, to have one-on-one with each twin.
I write more about this particular topic in my one-on-one blog post.
Twins Having things of their own:
Twins share a lot, almost all the time. Letting them have things that they DON’T need to share can be a bit harder to get our heads around, but it is so important.
It’s not until children learn what it’s like to feel ownership over something that they can truly master the skills for sharing (around 3-4 years). But with twins, this goes way deeper.
If twins feel they ought to share all the time, that means that whenever they see their twin with something, or doing something, they will feel entitled to tag along, or have a turn, or have some of what they are having. When you never get to have something of your own, it can become rather frustrating. Anger, resentment and guilt can start to bubble up within, under the surface, and before you know it - you explode.
To us adults, this can seem very sudden and uncalled-for. Yet for the child who's learned they HAVE to share, and the child who's learned they get to HAVE what the other one has, this will seem very reasonable.
One is yelling because they have learned they DESERVE to have something, while the other might yell because they had ENOUGH.
By letting them have time with their own things, without feeling obligated to share, the moments when they really NEED to share will be a bit easier.
You can read more about this in my sharing blog post.
Twin Problem-solving skills:
This is the topic that can be a bit tricky for parents to get onboard with, yet I’ve seen this working time and again.
Crying can be uncomfortable for some parents. They will do anything within their power to stop it, no matter the reason.
Yet after working with babies and children for 20 years, and studying early childhood education, I do believe crying is a baby's means of communication. And while it can be unpleasant to endure at times, making it stop isn't always the way to go.
I do not mean to say that if your baby is crying when they are hurting, hungry, sick, tired etc you ought to ignore it - not at all. I mean the crying that happens when your baby is frustrated, when they try to learn a new skill like crawling and rolling, or reaching for a toy, and later - fight over a toy.
They will inevitably be loud about it,. Some adults still are to this day when things don’t go their way. It’s natural. If your baby is upset because their co-twin took their toy, that is ok.
What is happening next is what may pave the path to successful problem-solving skills, or whiny fighting when they are older.
If your response when one twin snatched a toy is to retrieve the toy to the upset twin, then what is the message you communicate to your baby? “you are upset, I will fix it”. Then they learn that if injustice occurs, somene, not themselves, will fix it. So the learning process that is taking place is crying when they are unhappy with their twin’s actions. Expecting their superhero adults to come and save the day. They literally learn that crying is what they NEED to do to fix the situation.
This might seem very minuscule and harmless at first, yet when parents' trend is to “be the law” in town and restore justice, the twins will learn to always call for help and get loud when they are in any form of disagreement with each other (and later with anyone else). They expect the referee to come and make sure peace is maintained.
They internalise that they DO NOT have the skills to do it. After all, no one taught them how to do anything different.
Forcing their twin to share, or give something back - is working on the same principle.
What I prefer doing it right from the beginning helping the babies learn what they can do about the situation, and holding space for the hurt feelings.
This works on two levels:
Empowering them to solve their problems.
They might be small at this point and unable to actually do much, but the language will be repetitive enough, that later on they're familiar with it and know what to do.
I will let them know they can ask for their toy back. Or they can wait. Or they can go and do something else.
If there is a clear imbalance between the snatcher and the snatchee, I will encourage the snatchee to go and take their toy back. Helping them gain confidence in themselves is important. Later they will learn how to dial it back and employ it properly according to the social behaviour we want to see. But they do need to feel empowered enough to fight their fights. They already know all too well what it feels like being on the receiving side by this point.
Helping them feel comfortable with their feelings, and find self-regulating strategies for when life gets tough.
Knowing how to deal with uncomfortable feelings is a skill for life. To not be scared of feeling hurt/sad/angry/disappointed. To not try and “toughen up”, numb the feeling or get distracted, is something a lot of adults are trying to learn later in life. I prefer to help children learn it from the get-go, so they aren’t gonna grow to feel ashamed of their feelings, and they can express them freely and get what they need to go through the hard moments.
Offering a hug and being with them is usually all they need when they are tiny. Later it can evolve into reading a book, talking, drawing, doing breathing exercises, listening to calming music, going for a walk and even just sitting together and letting the stress diffuse. All these are powerful tools to teach children.
As for the twin who snatched. I usually talk and reflect to them how their twin is feeling. I draw their attention to their crying, to their tears, and explain it’s because they didn't finish using the toy (for example). That they want it back. I tell them they can give it back, or let their twin know when they finish so they can have a turn.
I never make them give it back, or share. Because they really don’t have to.
It’s not up to me who gets a turn now. I want them to solve this on their own. Children let go of grudges WAY faster than us adults. I do not need to make the decision who goes first, who had enough and who needs to give what to whom.
The only time I interfere is if things get physical. Or, as stated above, when there is a repetitive theme of one taking something from the other. Then I will encourage the twin who always loses his things to go and fight for it. And I will work with the snatcher on letting go of things they took - with me.
All these strategies are going to help pave the path to more peaceful interactions later on. When starting early, they will reduce the crying and whining significantly.
If your twins are already toddlers or young children, you can still implement all of this, and with consistency and patience, you will have miraculous results!
If you want more help with your twins’ behaviour issues, you can book a discovery call to learn how my Parental Guidance service can help you and your family restore peace to the house. Or you can book a session below.