The Way Identities Nurture Strength

Knowing who we are is a process that develops over time. It happens naturally when we interact and engage with people, places and things. We learn how people behave by watching them, copying their actions and words, and understand social and cultural expectations.

Slowly, we nurture our identity according to all these events, and we get a sense of who we are. How others see us. And how we see ourselves.

Developing a strong sense of identity helps us navigate life’s challenges and adventures. We know what we are capable of, our likes and dislikes, and how to solve problems.

Twins struggle to develop individual identities when they:

Are always together, and expected to do things together.
Are being compared to one another.
Are made to feel guilty if they aren’t measuring up to their twin, or if they aren’t sharing.
Are made to feel responsible for their twin.
Don’t have things of their own.

They evaluate their feelings, wants and needs according to how their twin is doing, feeling or being. They then develop an identity that is entangled with their twin’s. They tend to feel anxious or uncomfortable when they are on their own, and feel they need their twin in order to feel safe.

They might not feel confident to pursue ideas and interests unless their twin is with them, and feels/wants the same. They might feel pressured to maintain their sameness, because not being the same doesn't feel good or right.

It is in these instances that each twin may feel uncomfortable leading their own life: form friendships, develop hobbies, or pursue a passion. They are likely to feel more comfortable staying close to each other than figuring out what they really want to do and be. Because being together is their comfort zone. And being a twin is their primary identity.

Twins are encouraged to develop independent identities when they:

Can pursue interests.
Develop personal relationships.
Have opportunities to do things on their own.
Are not being compared to, or expected to behave like, their twin.

They then feel more comfortable asking for help, express their needs and wants, and stand for what is important to them. They aren’t too concerned about what others might say or think about them, in relation to how their twin is behaving, what they want or say.

They therefore gain confidence in who they are as an independent person. They learn to listen to their feelings, instincts and thoughts, and be comfortable managing things in their own way.

They know who they are.

Foremost as an individual.

Secondly as a twin.