4 things your twins will need in the 1st year
1. One-on-One Time with each twin
It is only too easy to see twins as a set. They were together in the womb, they were born together, they are the same age – so in a way, they feel like an extension of one another.
It’s only natural to fall into this kind of thinking automatically.
Logistically, it makes sense. It’s easier doing things together during the day. The flow of the day is less affected when there’s one routine, one way of doing something.
I refer to this as One-parenting-fits-all formula
The issue with this becomes more apparent later on. In the beginning it kind of forms on its own. It’s not very conscious. The survival mode most new parents face in the first few months leads to the emergence of this parenting formula.
It’s in these moments that I ask parents to find moments in the day, or at least in the week, for one-on-one time.
It’s absolute MAGIC!
The first time I was left alone with a twin, my entire perspective of the child has transformed 180 degrees. There’s something in our brain that operates on a different frequency when we have one child in front of us, or two (or more).
The constant compression mode was completely off. I was no longer viewing this baby in relation to another. I could give them 100% of my attention, and I could appreciate everything they said or did as their own, as valid, as it is. Not as something OPPOSITE to another, not as something different THAN another. It really reconstructed my whole caring experience.
One-on-one time allows you to see each of your twins as a whole world, not as half of a whole. It gives you the chance to get to know them better, learn what they like, what they are interested in, who they are. When you walk down the street you’ll notice people don’t stop to stare, don’t ask questions, don’t draw comparisons between your two children.
And your twins will get to know YOU better, and build a relationship that is just of the two of you. Not a three-way relationship.
2. Space From their twin
Besides of actively taking the time to spend with each twin, the twins also need a break from one another. It is impotent for their sense of self and personal growth. Try to facilitate play areas for one that is a bit farther away from their twin’s, perhaps one on the deck while one is in the living room, and then switch them. This will give each an opportunity to play at their own pace and focus on their interests, without having someone taking their things, kicking their head, rolling on top of them etc...
It will allow more room to move and develop their motor skills, and facilitate uninterrupted play. Uninterrupted play (uninterrupted by adults and children alike) is invaluable. It promotes attention span, persistence with a task, exploring an interest, problem-solving strategies, and a sense of curiosity. Simply place your baby on the ground and observe. You don't need to do anything, you don’t need to draw their attention to anything, or play for them. They will start exploring when they are ready, when they want to. Babies explore with all 5 senses. They will engage with whatever they can at their own pace. You are there to share the moment. Enjoy it!
3. Advocacy For each twin’s Individuality
Twins are prone to be the subject of comparisons. It is constant, and a lot of the time it’s unconscious. It is expressed in statements like “X is the loud one”, “Y is the hungry one” and so on and so forth.
When in reality, they are simply themselves. If you had only one baby, you probably wouldn't speak in this way when describing them. You might say “X is a loud baby”, or “Y is a very hungry baby”. These statements are inherently different. They are objectively describing a baby’s personality or behaviour. They aren’t describing a baby in relation to another.
Being compared to another person is a difficult realty to live in. It leaves the two people feeling inadequate, falling short of somethings, in a sense of competition, or living with a label they did not choose. It’s also very hard to change these labels once they are in place.
For that reason, twins require our advocacy for their individuality. To help well-meaning people see them for who they are, not what they are not, or who they are in relation to another.
Helping people see each twin for who they are, on their own merit, will nurture deeper relationships between each child and their environment.
It will change people’s perspective of seeing them as a set, and invite them to get to know them as separate beings.
It will also help the twins see themselves as separate from each other. They won’t feel they need to live up to an unrealistic or inadequate expectations. It will inspire them to pursuit their interests and figure out who they are, besides of being twins.
In the long run it will foster emotionally healthy twinship. So they can both appreciate and love one another, while still feel agency over their lives.
4. twins need Things Of Their Own
Twins are expected to share everything. It’s the nature of things when you have one set of parents, probably one bedroom to share, the same toys to play with, and the same play space.
Plus, sharing is kind. We want our children to grow to become kind human beings who share with others. Of course.
While singleton babies grow into the concept of sharing gradually (whether with older siblings or friends), twins are expected to handle this very early on. It’s almost all they know.
Which is why I always strive to facilitate opportunities for twins NOT to share. When twins feel obligated to share everything they do and have, sharing isn't taught as a kind action, but rather as a chore.
The innate feeling isn’t of “oh yes, I’ll share, I can see my brother really wants a turn”, but rather of “I have to give my brother a turn. I have to share”. This defeats our best intentions in fostering kindness and social awareness. It can also lead to resentment and frustration.
On a developmental level, sharing isn’t actually possible until toddlers (yes, toddlers!) can feel ownership of something. Children need to know what it feels to have something before they can willingly give it away.
The social awareness of “they look upset, I know how to make them feel better, and I want to” does not fully develop before children are 3-4 years old.
Because of that, the notion of telling our twins to share because it’s kind, and because they need to, does not serve the purpose we think it does.
Since twins share so much right from the beginning, it will serve them right to learn there are things they don't need to share. Give them a toy that is theirs, a treat to enjoy that they don’t have to share, a hug just for them.
When twins know what it feels like to own something, they will share more easily when they need to.