Separating Twins
Should I separate my twins or not?
Parents of twins often wonder whether they should separate their twins or not? They might feel apprehensive about the notion of separation.
Whether it’s the bedroom, classroom, playmates, birthdays, or even time spent with them (the parents), it seems the instinctive reaction is to keep them together.
I believe this natural response stems from 2 things:
Parents don’t want one twin to miss out on anything, and want to keep everything equal and fair.
It’s easier for the parents.
Both are valid and understandable reasons. Yet in this post, I would like to take a closer look at these and dissect the deeper feelings that might be driving the decision-making vehicle on autopilot.
Parents of twins don’t want one twin to miss out
Parents of twins want to keep everything equal and fair. Humans have a very strong sense of justice. We respond at the sight of injustice inflicted on us or someone else. It’s natural and is a testimony to our evolved social and cultural state.
However, when it comes to child-raising, and more specifically to twins, I find parents work very hard to keep the scoreboard even. Every toy one child gets, the other gets too. If one twin wants to come with mum to the supermarket, both twins come. When one child gets a treat, the other automatically receives one too. Twins learn that everything happens in twos, and when their twin gets something, they should expect this too.
This, in fact, feeds the cycle further, and as the twins learn to expect this behaviour from their parents (or the adults around them), they start asking for it, and protest when the board isn’t even. Which, of course, makes the adults perpetuate the process.
The primary idea behind this form of thinking is - they are twins, therefore they are the same, they do things together, and it’s on us, adults, to make sure it stays this way.
The problem with this otherwise altruistic and justice-advocating notion is that life doesn’t work like this. Twins aren’t equal, and life isn’t fair (as Dr Joan A. Friedman explains beautifully in her book Emotionally Healthy Twins). Moreover, the energy and efforts parents put into keeping things even and fair can become quite exhausting.
Twins have a special bond with one another, that much is true. The extent to which they want to nurture this bond, how much time they want to spend with one another, and what they want to share - is actually up to them.
When I changed my perspective from “fair and equal” to “every child gets what they need” something relaxed inside. Instead, I focused on what THIS child likes, wants, feels, needs, and what THAT child likes, wants, feels, and needs. Sometimes it was similar, yet more often than not, it was different.
Because everyone is different, unique, and special in their own wonderful way. It’s on us to see that, and help each twin to see it too. It’s very hard, to near impossible, to see this when we operate from a mindset of “equal and fair”.
2. Not separating twins is easier for parents of twins
Hands down, it’s much easier to use the one-size-fits-all parenting formula with twins. Do everything in the same way, at the same time, in the same order, for the same length of time. Of course! You are busy, life is demanding, your children can be demanding, and you are human. It takes a lot more time, effort, and energy to have one-on-one time with your twins, to take one with you, and have someone else stay with the other. To make different meals, enroll in different classes, have different after-school curricula, send one twin to a play date and not the other, and give one twin the attention they want because they need it, while not quite including the other.
I get it. I really do.
That’s why I do most of these things too. I’m aware of their uniqueness and celebrate their differences, yet the flow of the day doesn’t always leave time for individual explorations, one-on-one time with each, and doing the activity one wants, followed by the other.
So what I find helpful and comforting is to be aware and do my best. And my best looks different every day. If we go for a walk and one twin walks as fast as I do, while the other is busy looking at butterflies, I will wait and ask the twin with me to wait, and at other times, I will rush the butterfly spotter to catch up with us.
I will make sure we read the books they both want, when we can. I will make time to build with blocks with one while the other waits, and then make time to thread beads with them.
I will always let them know the other twin has their own needs, and they feel different from them. They need something right now, and I’m giving it to them. I want each twin to know I SEE them, and their needs are important to me. I don’t want them to mask their feelings or make them think they need to feel like someone else.
Doing things together and sharing can be fun. Yet it’s not the default. It’s a reality at times, but it’s not all that life has is store for them.