Expectations of Twins
We all have expectations. From life, from our family, friends, colleagues, children and partners, etc...
It seems there a few expectations society, and family for that matter, have from twins, too.
Over the years I have come to notice this more and more. It can be subtle, or very clear.
Common expectations of twins
Twins should love each other
Twins should share everything.
They should be each other’s best friend.
They should always be together and want to spend time together
They should be in the same classroom.
They should dress the same.
Have the same toys/food/bags/friends/books etc…
They should look after each other (responsible for one another)
Should not be jealous of each other.
Accept that because they are twins, the above is how their lives should be.
While some of these expectations aren’t explicitly said to the children, they are very much communicated by the adults. Either in an indirect suggestions (you shouldn’t fight with your twin; make sure they are eating their lunch today; give your brother a turn; let your sister join in with your friends). Or in a tone of voice that may express disappointment or surprise (but you love playing with your sister; you had a turn, so now she gets to have one; I will get you a book too). Or even in our body language when we interact with them, or watching from a distance (raising of an eyebrow; frowning our faces; smiling in approval).
These go a long way because children constantly look to us for approval, and learn from us how to behave, how the world works, how to please people, and how to solve our problems.
If the message is consistent, it sticks.
The problem with twins’ expectations
Children crave independence. They develop their autonomy and personality within the environment they are raised in. If this environment feeds them the idea they are part of a pair, that their actions are measured and evaluated in relation to another - they will grow to believe this is who they are. So when the time comes when they want more independence, more agency over their lives and decision, something inside will get tangled.
A child that has grown to feel responsible for their twin, who was raised to feel obligated to include them in different (or all) aspects of their lives, might become resentful when this doesn’t resonate with their lifestyle. For example when they get a job offer in another city, but they always lived within 30min drive from their twin. Or when one find a mate, and they nurture for the first time an intimate relationship with someone other than their twin. Feelings of jealousy, shame, guilt, frustration, letting parents down, fear of losing their twin’s relationship and trust will rise up.
Interviews with adult and teenage twins reveal the hardships these situations force them to face, the lack of emotional support to go through them, and the unique emotional turbulence they are feeling when they want to change the nature of their twinship.
It’s natural to want our twins to get along and love each other. Like with any other children, parents want their children to have close relationships with their siblings. That is very understandable.
The matter is different when we pose our expectations of how we think twins should feel, behave and live with one another. The expectation that they are in-built mates who love each other unconditionally and live their lives together - is quite different to have a good relationship with your sibling. And frankly, often times isn’t realistic. Moreover, it puts a lot of pressure on twins to live up to something they cannot achieve, or simply do not want to.
If you need help managing your twins’ behaviour, book a Parental Guidance appointment today.
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