Sharing

Sometimes it’s only mine

Sharing is truly a reoccurring subject with twins. They already share so much: birthdays, parents, often their room and/or playroom, and some even their appearance. It’s quite a lot.

As parents, we often feel we need to maintain an equality for the twins. If one gets a present, the other must receive one as well. If one has a friend, the other needs a friend, too. When one gets to do something special, the twin must be included. This isn’t realistic, healthy, and it isn’t necessary.

As Joan A. Friedman, Ph.D., points out in her book Emotionally Healthy Twins, “life isn’t fair, and twins are not equal”. This is the honest truth we should live by.

What’s important with twins – and with any child – is to make sure they get what they need. If one twin needs more support for dealing with his night terrors, he needs this extra time. If one twin needs more help with her homework, we should sit longer with her and make sure she understands her assignments. If one child comes to help with the grocery shopping, the other child can spend the time doing something else. There’s always next time.

Sharing

From an early childhood development point of view, sharing isn’t really practical and implemented until children are 4 years old. They must first experiences ownership. Only then can they begin practicing sharing and letting go.

Sharing your life with another person can be challenging for anyone, let alone for twins who are in a constant state of co-existing. I believe we should teach twins when they don’t need to share. Sharing should have its boundaries

If one plays with a particular toy, he doesn’t have to share that toy with his brother (unless he wants to). If one got ice cream because she went out with mummy, she doesn’t have to share it. We should put more emphasis on their individuality and let them practice a bit of selfishness, so they can appreciate the kindness of sharing. They will then learn to cherish the moments and things that are only theirs.

If every time a twin doesn’t share they are made to feel bad about it, sharing won’t be implemented as a virtue, but rather as a chore.

Presents

When twins receive presents from friends and family, they often receive matching presents. When possible, explain to others it can send a backward message to the twins. They should each receive presents according to who they are. And it isn’t always necessary to give them both a present every time. As highlighted in the RIE philosophy, it depends. If Michael did very well for his school project and you want to celebrate his achievement, you should do this without feeling bad if Alan doesn’t receive something as well. If Tanya broke her leg and you buy her a present to make her feel better, Monica shouldn’t anticipate a gift, too.

Possession is one area where twins can really exercise their autonomy and protect their space.

Gifting can be a good opportunity to establish the concept of sharing and not sharing. If Rachel received a present Owen really wants to play with, you can say to Rachel, “I see Owen really likes your gift. If you want to let him play with it later, I’m sure he’d be happy about it”. This doesn’t put pressure on her to let her brother have a turn. It gives Rachel the information she needs to make a decision. To Owen, you can say, “I see you really like Rachel’s present. You can ask her to play with it later. Remember, it’s her toy, so she decides whether or not she wants to share”. These opportunities arise often, so both sides can get to exercise both giving and receiving. It lets them practice being kind, sharing, or not sharing. They really don’t have to share. We want to teach them to share because they want to, or choose to out of empathy or generosity. Make them feel guilty because we told them to is a poor motivator. If Owen is upset over this, Rachel will see that. You can tell Rachel, “I can see Owen is very upset, because he wants to play with your toy. It’s your toy, so you get to decide who plays with it. It would make him happy if you’d share. But you don’t have to”. We are encouraging the child to be observant to her surroundings while also exercising her rightful ownership (and hopefully, kindness). They don’t have to share everything. It’s important to give them venues in life where they get to choose and be at peace with not sharing.

Implement sharing as a virtue, rather than a chore

Ownership

As children grow older, they start to collect possessions. The message we give the twins about their possessions is important. If it goes like this: “This is your stuff (clothes, toys, books, allowance). You can decide whether or not you want to share it. I’ll respect your decision either way”- the child learns how it feels to own something; how it feels to have things which are only theirs. They start understanding how they want to treat their things, what they want to do with them, and who they want to share them with. If we tell a child: “Your sister wants to wear your shirt. You are not wearing it today, so give it to her”- we are interfering with the child by asking them to do something they might not want to do or feel uncomfortable with. This is one area twins can really exercise their autonomy and protect their space.

Another way to help twins appreciate their space and celebrate their individuality is to throw them separate birthday parties (if possible). This sounds like more work (and it is), but the outcome is very positive and empowering. When children grow older, and start making their own friends, a good idea is to let them have their own birthday parties, with their own friends, using their own party theme, and let them be the centre of attention. Encourage your friends and family to support the twins’ individualities and identity-separation. It’s a bother perhaps, but ask them to attend both parties. Alternating weekends is a good idea. This gives each child the attention all singletons get automatically.