Sharing With twins
Do twins always Need to Share?
Sometimes it’s only mine…
Do twins always need to share? The pressure to share is truly a recurring subject with twins, and they already share so much: birthdays, parents, often their room and/or playroom, and some even their appearance. It’s quite a lot. But maybe they don’t have to share everything, all the time.
As adults, we often feel we need to maintain equality for the twins. Our innate sense of social justice guides us to mediate conflicts with an agenda to oversee fairness. If one gets a present, the other must receive one as well. If one has a friend, the other needs a friend, too. When one gets to do something special, their twin must be included. While this well-meaning inclination is understandable, it isn’t realistic, and I suggest it isn’t necessary.
What’s important with twins – and with any child – is to make sure they get what they need. If one twin needs more support for dealing with his night terrors, he needs this extra time. If one twin needs more help with her homework, we should sit longer with her and make sure she understands her assignments. If one child comes to help with the grocery shopping, the other child can spend the time doing something else. There’s always next time.
Sharing as a choice, not a chore
From an early childhood development perspective, sharing isn’t really practical and implemented until children are 3-4 years old. They must first experience ownership, and only then can they begin practicing sharing and letting go. Therefore, expecting your infant twins to share isn’t realistic or age-appropriate. Not only do they not understand the notion, but also they do not understand the social expectation that is projected on them for being twins. Some may chime in to suggest that t is on us to teach them that because they are twins, they need to share. Yet I would like to invite you to reflect whether this is really so, and why should that be the expectation?
Sharing your life with another person can be challenging for anyone, let alone for twins who are in a constant state of co-existing. I believe we should teach twins when they don’t need to share. Sharing should have its boundaries
If one plays with a particular toy, he doesn’t have to share that toy with his twin (unless he wants to). If one got ice cream because she went out with mummy, she doesn’t have to share it. I argue we should put more emphasis on their individuality and let them practice a bit of selfishness, so they can appreciate the kindness of sharing. They will then learn to cherish the moments and things that are only theirs. If every time a twin doesn’t share they are made to feel bad about it, sharing won’t be implemented as a choice, but rather as a chore.
Gifting twin presents
When twins receive presents from friends and family, they often receive matching presents. When possible, explain to others that it can send a backward message to the children. They should each receive presents according to who they are, and it isn’t always necessary to give them both a present every time. As highlighted in the RIE philosophy, it depends. If one did very well on their school project and you want to celebrate their achievement, you should do this without feeling bad if the other doesn’t receive something as well. If one broke her leg and you buy her a present to make her feel better, her co-twin shouldn’t anticipate a gift, too.
Gifting can be a good opportunity to establish the concept of sharing and not sharing. If one received a present and their twin really wants to play with, you can say to them, “I see X really likes your gift. If you want to let him play with it later, I’m sure he’d be happy about it”. This doesn’t put pressure on her to let her twin have a turn. It gives her the information she needs to make a decision. To the waiting twin you can say, “I see you really like X’s present. You can ask her to play with it later. Remember, it’s her toy, so she decides whether or not she wants to share”. These opportunities arise often, so both children can get to exercise both giving and receiving. It lets them practice being kind, sharing, or not sharing. They really don’t have to share. We want to teach them to share because they want to, or choose to, out of empathy or generosity. Making them feel guilty because we told them to is a poor motivator. If one twin is upset over this, the other will see that. You can tell X, “I can see Y is very upset, because he wants to play with your toy. It’s your toy, so you get to decide who plays with it. It will make him happy if you’d share. But you don’t have to”. We are encouraging the child to be observant of her surroundings while also exercising her rightful ownership (and hopefully, kindness). They don’t have to share everything. It’s important to give them venues in life where they get to choose and be at peace with not sharing.
Help your twins gain a sense of Ownership
Lally & Mangione (2017) explain that between 15-36 months, children develop self-conscious emotions. They are sensitive to people’s opinions and are easily embarrassed by comments on their behaviour and appearance. Supporting twins to develop personal and independent interests helps them realise they have options. For twins, assuming agency over their decisions can be very liberating.
As children grow older, they start to collect possessions. The message we give twins about their possessions is important. If it goes like this: “This is your stuff (clothes, toys, books, allowance), and you can decide whether or not you want to share it. I’ll respect your decision either way”- the child learns how it feels to own something; how it feels to have things which are only theirs. They start understanding how they want to treat their things, what they want to do with them, and who they want to share them with. If we tell a child: “Your twin wants to wear your shirt. You are not wearing it today, so give it to her”- we are interfering with the child’s choices by asking them to do something they might not want to do or feel uncomfortable with. This is one area twins can really exercise their autonomy and protect their space.
Another way to help twins appreciate their space and celebrate their individuality is to throw them separate birthday parties. This sounds like more work (and it is), but the outcome is very positive and empowering. All singletons get to enjoy this unique time once a year, why not twins? For very young twins, this can be as simple as making two cakes, singing happy birthday twins, and giving each the time to open their presents (or open them for/with them) one at a time.
When twins grow older and start making their own friends, it’s a good idea to let them have their own birthday parties, with their own friends, choosing their own party theme, and let them be the centre of attention. Encourage your friends and family to support the twins' individuality and identity separation. It’s a bother perhaps, but ask them to attend both parties. Alternating weekends, or even times in the day (morning and afternoon) is a good idea. This gives each child the attention all singletons get automatically.