Me, the way I am

When we have two children the same age, it’s tough not to notice when one is capable of more than the other. We tend to think, “They are twins and the same age; they should be developing at a similar pace…” Well, that is not true. Simply because they are twins doesn’t mean they are growing and developing in the same way.

Twins suffer from relentless comparison from everyone, even if they aren’t aware it’s happening. It takes time and practice to see them as individual people who happen to be the same age. If they had been born 2 years apart, we would not have compared them so much. It happens on a smaller scale with siblings: “Lily walked when she was 13 months old. I don’t know why Tyler isn’t walking yet. He’s 15 months old, now”. That isn’t fair to children of separate ages, either. We all have our own pace and rhythm in life. And it’s ok.

For twins, comparisons may happen every day, numerous times a day. These assessments (and judgments) can include unspoken comparisons; head-shakes, frowns and looks-of-surprise when one child didn’t finish as quickly as the other twin. These can lead to them developing serious complexes:

Aggression
Eating disorders
Inferiority complexes
Low self-esteem
Drug abuse
Personality disorders (anxiety, suspicious, overly emotional)

When people feel they aren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough – because they are constantly being compared to another person, it undermines confidence and distorts their view of themselves. This is what comparison can lead to. DR Nancy L. Segal, a twin expert and director of the Twin Studies Center, explains this subject in her book, Twin Mythconceptions. She works with twins and parents of twins, on the challenges of being and raising twins.

Here is what we can do

The first and most effective way to view twins as their own people, is to treat them according to their own needs. To forever treat them as equal isn’t realistic. It sends them a clear message: you are the same. They are not.

Twins have their own unique qualities and personalities separate from each other. If one twin needs more help with her homework, she deserves to get it without hearing how her sister doesn’t. If one twin has more friends (especially the same age or in the same grade), this should be encouraged without pressure to share.

It’s on us – the adults – to help children navigate life’s challenges and mysteries. We want to guide them so they can build a life that is fulfilling and right for them. When one twin is thriving in one area, we should celebrate and encourage it. This does not mean the other twin isn’t good in this particular area. The other twin is different and might not care for this activity or subject. We need to be observant and find what is it that this child likes and does well.

The Price of Labeling

There’s a tendency to say twins “complete” each other. There’s another tendency to compare them and find them behaving and projecting as “opposites.” One is naughty; the other is well-behaved. One is loud; the other is quiet. One is friendly; the other isn’t social. These labels are harmful, and simply aren’t true. We all have a full spectrum of feelings and qualities. When we tag a twin with a label such as “the naughty one”, and his/her sibling as “the good one”, it creates tension and undermines the child’s confidence and self-esteem. It also puts additional pressure on “the good one” to never misbehave.

Labeling makes it extremely hard, for both children and parents, to see there’s more to them. Children may believe the label is who they are, and behave accordingly while suppressing true feelings. “Naughty” children have to live up to that label, too. There’s already enormous pressure to satisfy parents, teachers and caregivers. Children can become afraid to divert from their label, for they might lose the love of the adults. Labeling never benefits any child

**They are not the same. Each of them has their own unique qualities and personalities**

How would you feel if everything you did was valued according to someone else? How would you feel if your parents looked at you and measured you against your sibling and find you “good” or “bad”? That’s too much pressure for children. Comparisons make twins value themselves according to their twin. They can ignore or discount their own virtues and qualities. They likely will grow to believe their success can only be measured by their twin’s. Each time they can’t satisfactorily compete with their twin is a failure. Children shouldn’t have to compete with anybody for love and approval.

Twins, like any “singleton” child (any one who isn’t a twin or part of multiples), shouldn’t feel they need to please us nor shadow their twin in order to be accepted and good. We must look at them as the whole people they are. They should want to do the best they can by their own parameters; not anyone else’s.