Individuation
Individuating twins - There’s only one like me
Twins have long been the source of fascination for scientists and society. The concept of two or more people sharing DNA and yet not being exactly the same person is truly remarkable. There are many experiments science would like to conduct with them. There are many questions we want to ask them. Seeing look-alikes captures our eyes and our interests. It’s normal.
Now, look at this situation from another point of view. The fact that people were born to the same mother within minutes from each other shouldn’t define them. Each of these people are their own person. They have their own feelings, thoughts and ideas. They have their own ways of doing things and managing situations. To be forever compared to, and live in an orbit with, another person may not be the best way to live.
When we see twins, we often compare how similar they are: their looks, heights, smiles, voices, movements, laughs. How alike are they? Are they copies of each other? I feel we ought to treat them in the same way we treat other people.
Just like you and me, twins need their own identity. We all deserve our own names, space and fair chance to grow and become who we were meant to be. If every time I dressed up, talked, moved, succeeded or failed, I were compared to another person, I would feel pretty bad about myself. I would feel a constant need to measure up to another person, if I can’t be appreciated as my own person on my own merit.
How can we change this?
We can give twins the privilege of being who they are – not in relation to their siblings. We should avoid comparing them to their twin. Twins don’t have to do everything together. Allow them to lead separate lives.
They don’t need to dress alike because they look alike
For example, if one twin has a friend, that friend doesn’t have to be friends with both siblings. You wouldn’t have asked two siblings of different ages to do that. It works on the same logic.
I encourage parents to celebrate and empower each of their twins’ identities, rather than enforce a co-joined front: give them names they can call their own, preferably with different initials. Let them dress however they desire, instead of matching outfits (they don’t need to dress alike because they look alike…). If possible, give them their own rooms. Let them attend separate classes when possible. Encourage them to have their own friends. Let them explore and pursue their fields of interests. Each twin should know their value as a whole person, never as a half of something whole.
A good way to implement mental separation is to avoid addressing the twins in the plural. “Kids, come eat”; “Girls, time for bed”. Try to address each child, and specify what you need. When you do need to address more than one of them at the same time, say their names and then follow with the rest: “Kylie, Emma, it’s time to go to sleep”, “Eric, Josh, we need to get going”.
Clothes are one way we express who we are. An easy way to promote twins’ separate-but-equal status is to let them dress differently. I believe they should get the opportunity to express themselves with their clothing the same way every other person does. After all, we tend to “dress up” the way we feel most comfortable.
When twins are dressed alike it sends them and society a message: These people are the same.
I wouldn’t want to be dressed the same as my sister every time I left the house. Today’s parents don’t often dress their children alike; even family photography sessions usually feature a clothing theme but varied fashions. Twins deserve the same courtesy. When they aren’t dressed alike, it’s easier for the rest of us to make the mental separation.
It can get difficult when twins have to keep correcting people about who they are: “I’m Robby. Jack is over there”. Our identity is important to us. It’s our responsibility to help them protect theirs.
Knowing who you are outside of the twinship is crucial for twins’ well-being. It’s important for their emotional development and sense of self. We as singleton children get to enjoy this freedom. Twins deserve it, too.