When Twins Push Boundaries

When Twins Push Boundaries

First thing first: every behaviour is a means of communication. And while toddlers are meant to push boundaries, sometimes there is more to it than we realize.

If your twin/s keep/s pushing boundaries and you find yourself spending the day telling them off, reigning them in, chasing them around, and feeling utterly exhausted and frustrated, it might be a good idea to ask yourself: what are they trying to tell me?

Chances are, they are either:

• tired

• hungry

• had enough

• frustrated

• overstimulated

• need space

Sometimes it is worth asking ourselves:

• Am I asking too much of them right now?

• Are my expectations too high for their age?

• Do they need help learning to wait, share, or deal with frustration and disappointment?

• Have I given them enough attention today?

• Maybe it’s time to change activity/ scenery, go home, wind-down...

When we notice certain behavior happens at specific times of the day (before food, before sleep, near other children, near their co-twin), it can be a big tell-tale that something in particular is triggering for them. They might be too tired or hungry to be patient and listen, they might find it hard to share (in general or in this particular scenario), or they might need some space from people and things in their immediate environment.

Managing twin expectations

When our expectations aren’t matching the twins’ age, it's when we might need to go back to the drawing board and assess:

Are they too young to handle the situation better?

Impulse control isn’t fully developed before the age of 3. And so expectations to listen, follow instructions, and respect boundaries (physical as well as following rules), can literally be too much at this point.

On the same token, sharing isn’t truly possible before children are 3-4 years old. They need to know what ownership feels like before they can willingly part with objects. Giving each twin things of their own that they don’t need to share can make sharing more tolerable when necessary.

Also important to note is that the twinship nature tends to affect twins’ social skills. Twins can often be more socially immature, as they rile each other up, get into mischief, and relish the joy of twin play and adventure. They are therefore not as aware of “crossing boundaries”, pushing the limits, and following the rules.   

Twins and Attention-seeking behaviours:

When children feel ignored or unfavoured, they tend to engage in boundary-pushing and attention-seeking behaviours. This can often happen for twins.

If one of your twins is labelled as rough, naughty, impatient, etc., and we tell them off a lot, they are likely going to keep pushing our buttons. That’s partly because children crave attention. And if they aren’t getting positive attention, they will compromise for negative - it is still attention.

The other reason is that when a child hears a label being assigned to them, they will either live up to it, or rebel against it (will lean into the label, or feel upset by it). So if they know people think they are rough, loud, messy, stubborn, etc., they can believe that is really who they are, and then act accordingly.

They might also realise that we give them attention when they “misbehave”. And given that attention can be hard to get with a twin sibling, they will do whatever they can to get the spotlight.

What’s more, if only one twin is engaging in negative attention-seeking and boundary-pushing behaviours, and we constantly give them our attention by telling them off, the “well-behaved” twin can learn that in order to get attention, they are better off doing the same.

How can we reduce boundary-pushing behaviors?

There are several ways we can help twins and parents have a better time together.

By reflecting on why your twins act out, proactively reducing stimuli, spacing them apart (either in different parts of the house or separating them for a couple of hours with another caregiver), and finding time for one-on-one (during the day or the week), we can help reduce tantrums and tension. It will help us build a relationship with each child, fill up their emotional tanks, and increase cooperation when enforcing boundaries.

You will then have better interactions with each of them, attending to the real issue or need rather than addressing the symptoms and spending the day putting out fires and having less-than-pleasant interactions with one or both.

We therefore need to address the issue on three levels:

• Identify why the child behaves the way they do (time of day, age, environment).

• Give positive reinforcement to the twin who listens, cooperates, helps, etc.

• Find opportunities to give positive attention whenever possible (during one-on-one, when we see they are listening, being kind, considerate, patient, etc.)

So... what are your twins trying to tell you? Let's try to listen and see what we can do differently so everyone enjoys each other’s company.

Check out the Mastering Twin Toddlers' seminar to get actionable tools to maintain boundaries, support their interactions, and promote problem-solving skills (perfect for twins 1-4 years old).