When Twins Fight
How to handle your twins’ fighting
It can be hard not to intervene immediately when twins fight.
Our innate sense of justice and desire for them to get along make us quickly jump into action. We want to make sure that if a toy was snatched, it is returned to its “rightful owner”, or if someone budged into the queue, the right order of turn-taking is restored. It makes sense…
Yet my years of working with twins have taught me that if there is no physical aggression (only crying or whining), it is best to take an observant approach before taking action.
The question “who had it first” tends to be our focus. We want to make sure things are fair, equal, and “just”. But here is the catch…
Supporting twin fights
In order to help twins learn how to solve their conflicts, it is far more productive to help them learn to express feelings, negotiate, and weigh their options. After all, we won’t always be there to mediate.
Helping them talk about what they feel and want, and deal with frustration (for both snatcher and snatchee), will help develop their socio-emotional skills and give them practical tools to face future conflict.
These skills take time to cultivate. Children need time and opportunities to practice until they understand, and what is happening to them emotionally, how their actions impact others, and what is acceptable/expected socially.
And these skills can’t develop without trial and error. They need to test, experience, and experiment to properly master the art of negotiation and building relationships.
Also, reflecting on why conflict starts is important:
Are they spending too much time together?
Do they have enough space to play?
Are they too young to share? (sharing is possible from 3-4 years old).
Are they overtired, unwell, hungry?
Twins need space from one another. When they spend all their time together, especially during toddlerhood, fights tend to ensue quickly. That’s because toddlers don’t like to share, anything. Not space, not toys, not attention, not food… They are in the age of asserting autonomy and independence, and so having a constant companion they need to share with can make matters rather challenging for them.
Our understanding of their developmental process can help guide our decision-making, and help us decide on the best course of action, and recognise when they are reaching their limits. Offering space will help replenish their tolerance and patience for one another.
Provocatively reducing twin tension
Assessing why and when conflicts start will help proactively reduce twin tension by filling up each of their emotional tanks and adapting our expectations according to their needs.
We can offer:
one-on-one time (each day, or once a week. These times can be short yet meaningful)
engage in different activities (in different areas of the room, or with other caregivers in different settings)
optimise the physical environment (reduce clutter, and ensure they have space to move around, and they don’t need to be close to each other if they don’t want to)
acknowledge their tolerance threshold at different times of the day (certain activities are best offered in the morning, after food, or after a nap)
Give twins things of their own
Twins are expected to share a lot, right from the beginning. They need to share their space, toys, parents and caregivers’ attention, room, and even their appearance. It’s quite a lot.
That’s why it is important to give each child personal things (toys, clothes, shoes) that are only theirs. Not everything has to be shared, and it will make sharing much more tolerable when they need to. Advocate for their right to decide to NOT share their personal things, and remind their co-twin, if they want to use it, that “this is X’s, so they will share if they want to, but they don’t have to.” This is a very empowering statement, and both children will have their own things to exercise authority over.
Understanding your twins’ developmental stages, provocatively attending to their emotional needs, offering different play options (toys and play areas), providing personal items, and supporting their conflicts with guidance - will help your twins fight less in the long term.
If you need more help with your twins’ fighting, you can book a discovery call to learn how I can help you and your family, or book a Parental Guidance consultation below.
Check out the Mastering Twin Toddlers' seminar to help reduce your twins' fighting and get actionable tools to support their interactions (perfect for twins 1-4 years old).