Understanding Twin Dynamics
Understanding and supporting Twin Dynamics
There are two twin dynamics that most parents notice with their twins.
While we don’t necessarily need to intervene with their interactions, awareness of the type of dynamic and paying attention to potential needs to support them, can make their interactions and relationship better in the long run.
Classic Twin Dynamics:
Dominant/Submissive
Every twin relationship has this dynamic to some extent, and twins often switch roles in different environments. You might notice one twin is more assertive and confident at home, while at preschool, they seem shy and docile.
Twins like to experiment with different identities to understand who they are as individuals, as well as within the twinship. It’s a natural response to the dyadic dynamic of being in a pair, and a healthy experience for each child to take leading roles and also take a back seat at times.
If things seem out of balance over a long period of time, and you notice one child is consistently letting go, giving up, following their co-twin's lead, and isn’t feeling confident to speak up, offering time apart and independent activities can help.
Working on boosting the “submissive” twin’s confidence is key, both within their twinship, and outside of it. This will help them build up confidence in other social interactions, and help them find their voice and assert boundaries.
Caretaker/Taken-cared-for
Most twins have a primary role, and unlike the Dominant/Submissive dynamic, they do not switch.
This dynamic is usually a result of personality and/or parental expectations. One child might be a natural caregiver, and taking care of their co-twin stems from a genuine desire to attend to their needs. Meanwhile, parental expectations for one twin to care for the other can stem from birth order (the “older” twin), babies’ weight/size (if one is smaller, they will naturally seem like they need more support, or if one had a health issue in infancy, we might view them as more “needy” or “fragile”). For some parents, gender roles can influence the twin dynamic, assuming a caring role for the sister, or a protective role for the brother (in boy-girl twins).
Additionally, there is a common notion that “twins only need each other”. In these instances, we might feel like the children don’t need us or our support, as they have each other and that is all they need to be happy. We may communicate to the twins that they need to look out for each other, help each other in times of need, and keep each other company (built-in playmates). This can lead to twins stepping in to “parent” each other, and the Caretaker/Taken-cared-for dynamic will evolve.
The impact of the dynamic on the twins
Caretaker:
Interestingly, the Caretaker isn’t always the “dominant” twin.
While they might want to look after their co-twin at times, being “stuck” in this role can lead to the child building up resentment and anger for feeling obligated to care for their co-twin. They often compromise their desires and needs out of a sense of duty.
Taken-cared-for:
Just like the Caretaker, the Taken-cared-for isn’t always the “submissive” twin.
While the child doesn’t choose this role, they often rely on their co-twin for help and emotional support. They may feel helpless without them, or entitled to receive help and support, believing it’s their twin’s duty to care for them.
None of these is done consciously, and the dynamic develops in a way that seems “natural” for both children, without either ever actively choosing a role.
Triplets and Quads
Birth order and size can play a key role in their dynamics. Much like the twin dynamics, parents may have certain expectations of the children based on their physical appearances and needs, or order of birth.
Furthermore, the dynamics vary based on the type of multiples:
Identical
Identical+fraternal
Fraternal (mixed sexes)
Fraternal (same sex)
Triplets:
The children can single out one child based on physical differences or sex. In identical+fraternal and fraternal with mixed sexes triplets, the identical pair (essentially identical twins) and the same sex pair often develop a close bond.
Triplets can also have an “appointed” leader. This can be a result of personality (natural sense of leadership and charisma) or nurtured by the parents (a protective big brother or caring sister).
Quads:
Quadruplets tend to split into pairs, with classic twin dynamics. Based on the type of quads (similar to the triplet types), dynamics such as the Dominant/Submissive and the Caretaker/Taken-cared-for are often evident.
How to support your twins’ dynamic
Supporting the Submissive/ Caretaker
Help the Submissive/ Caretaker child learn to say “no”, speak up, and express their feelings and needs to caregivers and their co-twin/multiple. In times of conflict, step in and help them stand their ground and affirm their boundaries, such as not sharing, stopping a game, playing with what they want, and not being “bossed around”.
Giving them language to communicate their feelings, and modelling how to assert healthy boundaries will help them find the confidence to do it on their own in future situations.
They will likely need to feel like a bully for a little bit before their “emotional pendulum” finds the middle, where they feel comfortable following and leading in accordance with how they feel and what they want.
Supporting the dominant/ taken-cared-for
Help the Dominant/ Taken-cared-for child learn to let go (of control or an object), deal with frustrations, and do things independently.
They will need opportunities to practice these skills, and our support is key.
You can help them practice with you:
Hold on to a toy you want to play with, and if they try to snatch it, say: “I’m not finished yet/ I’m still having a turn, I need you to let go now”.
When conflict arises between the children, advocate for the child who lost their toy (as detailed above) and with a soft hand on the object and say, “I need you to let go now”.
Likewise, offer opportunities for them to play in separate areas, with other people, and/or with separate activities. Time apart helps both parties develop necessary socio-emotional skills to lead games, follow others, exercise their autonomy, and find confidence outside the multiple relationships.
It’s important that parents and caregivers understand their twin dynamics to support their development and relationships. When we can see where behaviour stems from, we can better navigate conflict and foster the children’s well-being, sense of self, socio-emotional skills, and boost their confidence and individuality.
If you need more help with your twins’ behaviour and interactions, you can book Parental Guidance below, or learn how I can support you and your family in a free discovery call today.