The First 1,000 Days for Twins
Why the first 5 years matter for twins
Developmental theories (including Bronfenbrenner’s and Vygotsky’s), and leading childcare philosophies (such as RIE), emphasise the importance of babies’ first 1,000 days (or the first 5 years).
They explain why and how these years shape babies’ learning, development, attachment, and learning dispositions for the years to come, and the role caregivers play during this time. These are our most impressionable and formative years, and they can influence our actions, decisions, relationships, and experiences for the rest of our lives.
The first 1,000 DAYS for twins
While families differ, and so do babies, twins’ first 1,000 days aren’t like those of singletons.
For example, research done by Dr Barbara Klein (a psychologist, identical twin, author, and twin expert), showed that twins’ earliest memories are with their co-twin. These findings highlight the time twins spend together in their early years and the significance of their relationship to their development of a sense of self and individuality. Most twins spend more time together in their early years than with their caregivers. Their time together, therefore, impacts and shapes their self-esteem, perception of reality (who they are in their environment/culture/community), and also adds another level of attachment - Twinship.
Attachment with twins
Attachment with twins looks different from that with one baby
Parents and caregivers often juggle two at once, and even when attention is given to one, it is challenging not to think of or glance at their twin. It’s understandable. It makes it hard to truly give 100% of your time and attention to one baby at a time.
Oftentimes, socialising and interactions with twins happen in a triad, and caregivers and parents find their attention divided non-stop.
Furthermore, unlike singletons who inevitably learn to separate emotionally, physically, and mentally from their parents and primary caregivers, twins need to learn to separate from each other too. That’s because Twinship is its own psychological phenomenon, and twins are genuinely attached to one another in their early months. Without sufficient support to go through this process in early childhood, separation can be very hard when twins are “forced” to separate in any capacity in later years (at daycare, school, social events, finding romantic partners, or going to Uni).
Supporting twin development
To support twin development (as individuals, and not just as twins), our awareness of language, actions, and twin-mentality is important.
When we see them as two different people, we interact with and care for them this way too.
This can include:
Carving time for one-on-one each day or week. For newborns, even bathing, changing a diaper, feeding, or hugging can be a good start for this undivided attention.
Prioritising equity over equality. Giving each twin what they need rather than the same as their co-twin is a powerful way to foster individuality, better meet each baby’s needs, reduce anxiety over sameness, fairness, and equality, and thus prenatal guilt.
Awareness of outfits and comparisons. It is all too easy to compare twins, and also to lean into the cuteness of their twinship. This is often the driving force behind matching outfits. Some highlight sameness, others, differences. While your parenting choices are entirely yours (there is zero judgment here), starting a conversation about why we dress twins a certain way and where comparisons come from is important. Is it because we see them as two halves of a whole? Is it because we see them as opposites? How do we feel about their differences and sameness? What do we want to promote, and why? These are important conversations for twin caregivers to have to raise awareness of their current (and perhaps desired) twin-mentality and how they make decisions about clothes, outings, activities, toys, care routines, and sibling relationships.
Promoting twin differences as positive. Twin differences are telltale signs of their distinct personalities. We are all different, even identical twins. Therefore, their differences aren’t a sign that they aren’t close, or aren’t “twins enough”. They indicate their individual souls and personalities, and therefore are to be fostered, nurtured, and valued. Identical and fraternal twins aren’t less twins or less close if they have different tastes in clothes, music, art, sports, fields of study, or differ in skills in different domains. When we notice these differences, it is important to note them, foster them, and encourage each twin to be proud of who they are. It’s when twins feel that they are less-than or lacking due to the differences between themselves that competition, rivalry, jealousy, and fractured twinships can emerge.
Allowing twins to find the level of closeness that is right for them. Our well-intended desire for twins to be close is exactly that - ours. It might not be nice to hear, but not all twins grow up to be close, and that is ok. Some start close and drift apart in adulthood. This is often due to pressure to be close, a lack of personal space to be who they are, competition, rivalry, and/or comparisons that they are tired of being a part of. While other twins may start close, and fluctuate with closeness and separation across their lives. It’s true that some twins remain close friends for life, but the important part to understand is that how twins want to “twin” is entirely up to them. It is their special relationship, and they ought to do with it as they want, in the sense that they decide what they want to put into it, and what function they want it to play in their lives.
The first 5 years of twins’ lives
While we aren’t undoing their bond and closeness, allowing and facilitating time apart, and helping twins set boundaries for their belongings, space, and needs, will help them recognise each other as individuals who are also twins, with personal needs, wants, and feelings.
Our work in the early years can help twins build a strong, supportive, and healthy twinship that gives each space to live up to their full potential on their own merit, pursue passions and interests, and champion each other to be the best version of themselves.