Should I separate my twins in school?
Why should we separate twins at school
Parents of twins often find themselves wondering whether they should separate their twins or keep them together when beginning school. This is a big decision, and every family should approach it in the way that is right for them. Here are a few things to consider when making this decision.
The natural ambivalence about separating twins stems from two key reasons:
Parents don’t want one twin to be on their own, feeling it will be easier for them to stay together.
Parents want to ensure each twin gets the opportunities to succeed.
Both of these reasons are completely valid and understandable. However, it is worth taking a deeper look at the underlying emotions driving these decisions and considering early preparations for either scenario.
The Desire to Keep Twins Together
Parents of twins often work hard to maintain an even playing field, ensuring that neither twin feels left out or unfairly treated. Separating them can therefore feel like an unnatural action that will compromise the status quo of fair and equal.
Some parents express a concern that their twins have never been apart, and so separating them will be very hard on them. They are effectively each other’s “security blanket”. However, the separation can, and I suggest should, start earlier, and in different ways than you might think.
Separating twins begins with our interactions with them, our actions, and attitudes towards their sameness and togetherness. When we can mentally differentiate between the two children, we will naturally create opportunities for them to individuate and feel comfortable being different and apart.
This will mean engaging in different activities, spending time with different people on their own, dressing differently, and having personal toys and clothes. These big and small actions go a long way to support the twins’ sense of self, and empower their sense of identity.
When we normalize these kinds of interactions and activities early on (in babyhood and early childhood), we set up the stage for the “big separation” in school.
Should We Separate Twins in School?
The answer to this question lies in your twins’ relationship, level of independence, and school policies.
If your twins have never been apart or are unaccustomed to being apart, separating them right from the beginning can be tough. For that reason, some parents choose to start twins in the same classroom for the first and even second year, and discuss with their teachers the idea of separating them later on. If your twins are used to being on their own, pursuing their own hobbies and interests, and having their own friends, starting school in different classrooms can be an easy transition.
Bear in mind that some school policies are quite strict about siblings sharing a classroom, and for that reason, do not “allow” twins to be together. Parents, understandably, find this rather challenging.
Yet, regardless of the school policies, it can be a good idea to prepare your twins for more independence in the school years. While one child may be more receptive to this idea than the other, it is on us, the adults, to support their feelings of insecurity, fear, or unease about being on their own. We shouldn’t expect one twin to “stay behind” or compromise their need to branch out because of their twin’s struggle. It is not their role to support each other’s emotional needs in this way. It is ours.
Offering twins the opportunity to learn and succeed in their own way and at their own pace is invaluable. It ensures each child can get the support they need to advance in the areas of their interest, form friendships, and succeed academically to their full potential.
Many twins feel a bit nervous about the separation in the beginning, and then find many benefits in having their own space and group of friends. It provides them with a much-needed opportunity to be on their own in a non-twin environment, foster their social skills, and form individual memories and experiences. They will have time to be together at home, and will likely value that reunion even more.
Small Steps Towards Separation Before School
To support twins' individuality and prepare them for separation in school, you can consider the following:
Separate activities: offer opportunities for them to do different things, either side-by-side (for babies), or in different places (with older siblings, family members, or playdates).
One-on-One time: Find time in the day/week when you can spend time with just one twin. This can also be a special time with grandma, auntie, cousins, etc. The idea is to normalize space between the twins.
Help them foster their hobbies and interests: identify areas of interest for each twin, and offer activities and resources that can help them cultivate their skills further. This is to be offered to the child who expresses an interest in this particular activity. While the other twin will receive similar attention/resources for their interests. That way, we can help them recognize that they are different, and will receive support and attention according to their needs.
Champion their success: It is ok, and I suggest important, to champion each child’s success without feeling “bad” for the other twin. Twins can feel proud and accomplished for their efforts without feeling like they need to “dim the light” on their success for fear of making their twin feel bad. When twins feel confident and comfortable celebrating their own and each other’s success, they are more motivated to pursue their interests and passions without measuring their achievements against their twin.
So... Should you separate your twins in school? I say yes. The separation can start right from the 1st year, or a bit later into the school journey. The important part is to set the stage for individuation and separation early. This helps normalize the twins’ different needs, feelings, and identities, which are of great importance on their own.
Recognizing our role in supporting twins’ reactions to their same-age sibling’s experiences, needs, and wants can be challenging at times. Yet the onus of the task isn’t on their co-twin. With our help, they can feel comfortable pursuing their passions and interests without guilt or shame, and feel secure to separate in school comfortably.