Postpartum Anxiety with Twins

Postpartum with Twins hits differently

Did you know?

The most common feeling parents report during postpartum (and the first year for that matter) isn’t depression. It’s anxiety.

And it takes a different turn when it comes to twins.

There are common things families experience during their first weeks and months at home.

It makes sense that parents will experience anxiety (or have triggers) around taking care of their babies, themselves, older children, pets, finances, workload, family dynamics, and more.

Common postpartum experiences with twins

These are very common, and manifest differently from family to family. But with twins and multiples, there are some add-ons...

The majority of twins arrive early, after an often stressful pregnancy, and most stay in the NICU.

This tends to raise parents’ stressors around babies' weight gain and developmental milestones (independent breathing and maturation of the digestive system), to name a few. It can also make settling in at home more challenging.

Parents might feel anxious taking care of their babies on their own, trust their partner or other caregivers to care for them, “obsess” over feeding, feel nervous leaving the room, leaving babies to sleep alone, or allowing themselves to take a break, “tap out”, and even sleep.

It can be incredibly exhausting.

Building confidence in caring for your twins

It takes time to build confidence in your parenting skills, especially if your babies are premature, and all the more so when you have twins.

Feeling that you meet each baby’s needs well enough can sometimes feel like carrying water in a cauldron - It never seems to work as well as you want, and you are often left feeling defeated.

So here is a gentle invitation to all twin and multiple parents, wherever you may be on your postpartum journey (either freshly home, or 2 years in):

Be kind to yourself. It takes time to find your confidence, skills, and competence, and it makes sense. There is so much to get used to.

No one gets it right 100% of the time, let alone right from the beginning.

Matrescence - lifetime impact of motherhood on cognition and the brain

Dr Dana Raphael, an anthropologist who coined the term “doula”, coined “matrescence“ too.

Matrescence describes the process of transformation into motherhood, including body, identity, and relationships.

Like adolescence, it involves rapid physical, cognitive, hormonal, and emotional changes.

Like adolescence, it takes time to adjust, it can feel overwhelming, and... it’s natural.

Newborn mothers who expect postpartum to look or feel a certain way, may feel anxious or disappointed when life doesn’t match these expectations.

Psychiatrist Dr Alexandra Sacks unpack this wonderful term in her TED talk, explaining how we might confuse natural life process (matresence) with postnatal depression.

What’s important to know is that non-birthing parents also go through a transition - Patrescence.

Granted, they aren’t going through the physiological changes and adjusting to new bodies and hormonal fluctuation as a birthing person. But they too transform their relationship and identity. This is to remind both partners to be kind, gentle, and patient with each other, as you both learn the ropes and new parenthood and adjust to the newborn's sea legs.

When twins are discharged from the NICU

Please remember: If you were discharged home, it means the team at the hospital believes your baby/ies is/are ready to go home, and they are safe with you.

They are strong, resilient, and capable, and so are you!

It can be hard not to feel anxious around food, yet the more we can master a sense of calm during feeding times, the better our babies eat.

Let your feelings come out, and talk about them. The more we suppress and bottle up, the harder it gets, and the greater the toll on you and your mental health.

There is no shame in saying “this is hard”, “I want a break”, “I need help”.

Good parents still need help.

As you get to know your babies better and gain confidence in your ability to attune to their needs and cues, it will be easier to understand them and meet their needs.

Yes, there will be times when you’ll feel it “doesn’t work”. That is common, too, and you are not a bad or inadequate parent. Babies can be challenging, especially in the newborn age.

Be kind to yourself, and extend as much grace and patience as you would to a fellow twin parent trying to find their pace and rhythm.

Because there is more than one way to do anything, and your best is the best.