About the Twin Guilt
What is twin guilt?
Growing Up with an Unhealthy Sense of Twin-duty
My twin-oriented early childhood work has taught me that twins can grow up with a lot of guilt. They are often made to feel guilty for not sharing, not including their twin, and for not taking care of each other. While this changes from household to household, one thing is evident: being a twin oftentimes comes with a predetermined set of parental expectations.
Many siblings grow up with a sense of duty for one another. While the degree may vary between cultures, the majority of us grew up feeling somewhat responsible for our younger siblings or, as the youngest, feeling sheltered by our older siblings. This familial sense of duty makes sense, after all, taking care of the tribe is ingrained in our genes and culture.
Yet the story looks different when the siblings are twins. All of a sudden, a whole new set of expectations accompany the magic that twinship brings with it. Some parents are more aware of that than others, and some might want to consider what this well-meaning sense of duty they wish their twins will internalise may lead to later in life.
When twins grow up with a strong sense of oneness, internal conflicts may arise when they begin to develop a stronger sense of self, when they want to feel more autonomy over their body, decisions and choices. Then, when they don’t feel like sharing with their twin or including them in a play, a confusing and sometimes frightening sensation develops. They feel torn between the desire to please their parents, and their twin, and their inner desire to decide for themselves and to feel the taken-for-granted ownership all of us singletons grow up with.
What’s more, their twin may respond quite strongly to this change of dynamic. This is not their fault. After all, until this moment, they had grown to expect to get what they wanted. When adults make twins share everything they have (toys, food, attention, activities, friends), twins essentially develop a sense of entitlement to have whatever their twin has, or do whatever their twin is doing. The well-meaning sameness twin parents instill in the children (having 2 of everything, sharing everything, including each other in their play and in their social circles) leads them to believe this is right, this is normal, anything else isn’t fair and should not be tolerated.
What twin guilt can lead to
Growing up with a sense of entitlement for your twin’s things can develop into an unhealthy relationship with:
· Emotional blackmailing,
· Guilt-trips
· An acute sense of responsibility for each other’s feelings (twin-duty).
But a twin isn’t responsible for their co-twin’s feelings. Learning how to deal with unpleasant feelings is our own responsibility, and children learn to do that with a supportive adult nearby. So when one twin doesn’t feel like sharing, for example, it’s the caregiver's role to support the disappointed twin’s feelings. Help them process the frustration, anger, and rejection, hold space for their feelings, and teach them how to find healthy ways to deal with these in the future. It is not a healthy habit to place the responsibility for their feelings onto the twin who stands their ground, and guilt them into pleasing their twin by giving them what they want.
Advocating for each twin’s feelings and needs and supporting them when they deal with difficult feelings, will help them develop necessary emotional skills and avoid the twin guilt. Every child learns these lessons sooner or later, whether at home when interacting with their siblings, or at the playground or daycare with other children. Yet for twins, this lesson sometimes takes a detour and fails to include their twinship and how to handle these complex emotions with the person they are closest to.
twin rights vs. twin guilt
Just like every singleton child gets to have their own things, so does each twin have the right to have their own things and to not share from time to time. Being a twin doesn’t mean you have resigned your right to choose for yourself, own toys, enjoy a treat in peace, or make friendships. It might be a bit trickier to accomplish, yet the onus is on us, caregivers, to make this possible for them. To help them make those blurred lines between where one ends and another begins – very clear. Then they can each feel confident saying no, deciding when their limit has been challenged, and know they have the right to autonomy and agency
Sharing and including only because you are made to feel guilty for not doing so isn’t genuine caring, and it can lead to resentment and anger. Boosting each twin’s sense of self and self-esteem has to come from us. They will not be able to realise something is off until adulthood, and by then, a heavy emotional baggage will need to be unpacked.
I talk about this and more in my interview with Dr. Joan A. Friedman. Dr. Friedman shares her twin expertise as we unpack some of her childhood memories of growing up as an identical twin, as well as her journey into twin parenthood and supporting adult twins battling with twin issues.
It’s therefore important we give twins the tools and language to express how they feel. Give them opportunities not to share, so they know what it feels like. Advocate for their right to hold on to something if they don’t want to part with it, or don’t feel like sharing right now. Not only will it empower their confidence, self-esteem, and sense of self, it will also make those moments when they do need to share more tolerable.
When twins never get an opportunity to have their own things, the status-quo of sharing and including evolves into an unhealthy sense of entitlement, but also blends the lines between one twin’s emotional experience and the other.
Feeling you are required to cheer your twin up and make them happy by giving up something that you don’t want to, or by cancelling out your own feelings to accommodate theirs, isn’t a healthy relationship. It's co-dependent at best, and toxic at worst. It can shape how each twin will nurture other relationships in their lives, including friendships, intimate, familial, and collegial relationships.
4 Ways to support your twins’ sense of self and avoid the twin guilt:
1. Let them have their own things:
Proactively give each twin their own toys and clothes, and encourage them to have personal friends, pursue hobbies, and have alone time with you and others.
2. Facilitate opportunities where they don't need to share:
When conflict ensues, advocate for the twin who doesn't want to share. Let them know they don’t have to and support the upset twin. Hold space for both of their feelings, and explain to them why it is ok that this is happening.
3. Give them tools to co and self-regulate:
There are many ways to help children process difficult feelings, and different children like different strategies. Hugs, moving somewhere else, finding another activity to do, drawing, going for a walk – all these can help an upset child face a challenging moment. For very young children, give them physical outlets for pent-up frustration, such as punching or biting a pillow, or throwing a ball outside, instead of becoming aggressive with their twin. It takes children time to learn what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, and while they learn, they need an alternative to express their feelings physically.
4. Normalise non-sharing interactions:
When one twin doesn’t want to share and the other begins to pull in their co-twin’s heart strings (and yours), address emotional blackmailing statements such as: ”you have to share with me”; “but I want to do this, you have to let me”; “you are my twin, you need to share” etc... with empathy yet a clear message that while this is hard and upsetting, their twin does not have to share.
Advocating for the twin who doesn’t want to share and/or include will give them the confidence to do this on their own in the future, and also give them the language to express their needs without feeling guilty for wanting something of their own.
So next time your twins fight over something, pause, observe… Do they really need to share right now? What will happen if they don’t? Are we choosing the easy way out by making them share to spare the tears? And can we step in and help them learn to recognise and appreciate each other’s feelings, needs, and desires for independence and autonomy?