Twin Parents' Guilt
Parental guilt with twins
It’s common, and understandable for parents of twins and multiples to feel guilty for:
Not being able to meet their babies’ needs as promptly as they would like
Not spending as much quality time with each baby
Being less available for their older children
Feeling closer to one twin (having a “favourite”)
Offering formula
Some may feel disappointed or frustrated that they won’t meet certain parental expectations, such as breastfeeding, baby-wearing, sleeping arrangements, etc. This can be particularly challenging for parents of singletons who have had the opportunity to experience a different kind of parenting. If you are an attachment parent, or always wanted to be one, envisioning the dynamic with two babies can be stress-inducing to some.
Twin parents can still be attachment parents
Responsiveness, attentiveness, and affection do not mean babies will never cry, or that if they do, you are not loving and caring. While twins learn early on that waiting is part of their reality, they nevertheless learn to count on their parents to be there for them, and have their needs met as soon as possible. Your twin can still be securely attached to you even if they need to wait for you to finish dressing up their co-twin, prepare a meal, go to the toilet, or settle their same-age sibling to sleep.
Talking about your feelings and expressing your thoughts, concerns, and frustrations, can help make space for your experiences and adjust to twin parenthood. Some things may be possible to achieve later, and some may need to be let go of.
Guilt can feel like grieving
Coming to terms with this reality can be confronting, and taking your time to adjust to the new possibilities ahead is key. It’s a personal process, and everyone faces it differently.
Some parents describe this process as grieving for the postpartum they won’t have, or can’t have at this moment. Whether they envisioned postpartum care a certain way, or experienced postpartum with their singleton children and wish to repeat it, it can be a challenging time when realising expectations and reality don’t align. While processing feelings is important and healing, letting go of guilt about not being able to do things that are out of your control can help you focus on what you can do and offer to your twin family.
The only way is through. Talk about your feelings, articulate your feelings. No feelings are “bad” or “wrong”. Feelings are feelings. It is only when we name our feelings, talk about them. process them, cry about them, so that we can really let them run their natural course and evolve into new things.
This will include making peace with what is. And also making room for what else is possible.
Because twin parenthood is a package deal. Yes, there are challenges, and there are also unique experiences that are like no other, which you won’t be able to enjoy and marvel at as a single parent.
Be kind to yourself, and remember that your best is the BEST.