When Twins Wake Each Other Up
Helping twins sleep Better Together from the start
Probably one of newborn twin parents’ most common dreads is when twins share a room, or in the beginning, even a bed, and they might wake each other up.
I mean, how frustrating is it to work hard to get both to sleep, only for one to wake the other?
Especially in the newborn stage, when sleep can seem harder to master, tandem settling might feel like an impossible feat (or an undesired one in these early days); having two well-rested babies might very well be your objective, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Yet we can do a few things to ease the frustration and, down the road, help both babies sleep better with each other’s company (noise, chatter, and laughs all together).
You might feel apprehensive about trying these out, and that’s understandable... Yet hear me out.
About sleeping twins together
In my 16 years of working with twins, I have seen many variations in sleep needs, temperaments, sensitivities, challenges, and also success in sleeping twins together.
There is no one way to do anything, and sleep is no different. So if sleeping your twins together is your goal, or necessity, rest assured it can be done, and done well.
What matters is consistency, patience, the intention to see it through, and recognising obstacles (emotional, mental, and physical) as you work toward your goal.
Recognising your limits (mental health, anxiety, man-power to support settling, so it’s not all on you) is integral to the success of this process. Pushing ourselves past our limits leaves us empty, defeated, negative, and, all in all, demoralised to ever attempt this again.
And that’s really not what we are into here.
That said, we can only meet this goal by giving twins the opportunity to practise sleeping together.
So how can we do this in a way that feels good (or at least achievable) for everyone?
When twins wake each other up
Let’s say one twin woke up; what can you do? There are 3 main options to choose from.
Get the awake twin out as quickly as possible.
Enter the room and get both up.
Try to re-settle the awake twin back to sleep.
Let’s see how each may play out. This might already seem familiar to you.
1. Get the awake twin out as quickly as possible:
Two things tend to happen over time with this approach. It might not be obvious at first, but a pattern tends to emerge from our actions, whether we are aware of it or not.
The first: Parents’ anxiety level remains high during sleep and rises whenever a noise comes from the bedroom.
No real rest can be achieved for parents. Who can rest well when they are on edge, carefully listening to any pips coming from their babies’ room? I find this results in increased anxiety around twins’ sleep, and the tricky part is that the babies sense it too.
The second: Neither twin gets the chance to get comfortable with the noise and try to go back to sleep. We inadvertently reaffirm the idea that noise in their room isn’t good, that they need help when they hear it, and that it’s no longer a sleep space. So naturally they wake up and expect us to get them out of their bed.
What’s more, our well-intentioned action of swiftly getting them out upon waking fosters helplessness and distress. This is when babies internalise that their beds aren’t safe, and if they wake up and no one is by their side, they stress out, leading them to wake up crying loudly very quickly each time. And a challenging cycle is formed...
2. Enter the room and get both up:
What usually happens with this approach (often in efforts to maintain a synchronised routine), is that twins tend to sleep for short duration (catnapping), and similar to the last point, wake up feeling distressed in their beds waiting for us to “rescue” them (take them out of bed).
It also means the sleeping twin wakes up before they are ready and will likely be cranky from being tired, won’t eat well, and will struggle till the next sleep.
So we want to maintain a routine; we are nervous about them waking each other up, and we end up with two babies who are indeed awake and asleep at the same time, yet they are likely overtired from lack of sufficient sleep, are harder to put down and keep happy, they don’t take full feeds, and settling to sleep can take a long time (due to cortisol produced by overtiredness). It can create a really unhelpful cycle for big and small.
3. Try to re-settle the awake twin back to sleep:
My personal favourite, and here is why -
When we use a predictable and consistent action plan to re-settle twins back to sleep, they learn to extend their naps (linking sleep cycles instead of nurturing a habit of waking up after each cycle ends, roughly around 45min).
They learn that going back to sleep is a possibility: “Just because I woke up doesn’t mean the nap has to end”. They then begin to re-settle more effectively as their bodies support longer sleep stretches.
They feel less stressed when they wake up because they feel safe in their sleep space, not expecting someone to rush through the door and whisk them out.
They aren’t as affected by their co-twin’s cry, noise, or chat. Even if they wake because they hear their co-twin crying, moving, or making noises, they are familiar with it, and it won’t keep them from falling back asleep.
And… they are more receptive to our settling efforts. This is a big one. If we normalise re-settling, babies are more likely to go along with our settling efforts and fall back asleep. This is true even if their co-twin is cruising in the room too when we work on tandem settling.
It’s a win-win in the long run.
Challenge + support + practise = twins can sleep better together.
When should I start working on sleeping my twins together
For some parents, the goal of their twins sharing a room isn’t relevant in the early days. Whether they have support to help with settling, or they recognise that their mental health is affected by this too much, they may prefer to tackle this obstacle at a later stage, for example when self-settling skills emerge (after 4 months).
There is no one way to do this, and if this isn’t your goal at the moment, that is fine. You can always start when you are comfortable. Granted, there might be a bit more learning to do, but it is always possible to reunite twins in one room.
Others strive to work on it earlier. Whether it's living restrictions (no long-term option to sleep the twins apart) or a preference for tackling this obstacle early, the approach can differ.
If that is you, starting small can make all the difference. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I find that softer and slower can get you farther than harsh and fast.
Starting with small practice increments, with a clear “out” for when push comes to shove, can get you on the path to better sleep.
If you need help with your twins’ sleep, or wish to work on them sharing a room, get in touch today.